Siddhartha

GOTAMA

In the town of Savathi, every child knew the name of the exalted
Buddha, and every house was prepared to fill the alms-dish of Gotama’s
disciples, the silently begging ones. Near the town was Gotama’s
favourite place to stay, the grove of Jetavana, which the rich merchant
Anathapindika, an obedient worshipper of the exalted one, had given him
and his people for a gift.

All tales and answers, which the two young ascetics had received in
their search for Gotama’s abode, had pointed them towards this area.
And arriving at Savathi, in the very first house, before the door of
which they stopped to beg, food has been offered to them, and they
accepted the food, and Siddhartha asked the woman, who handed them the
food:

“We would like to know, oh charitable one, where the Buddha dwells, the
most venerable one, for we are two Samanas from the forest and have
come, to see him, the perfected one, and to hear the teachings from his
mouth.”

Quoth the woman: “Here, you have truly come to the right place, you
Samanas from the forest. You should know, in Jetavana, in the garden of
Anathapindika is where the exalted one dwells. There you pilgrims shall
spend the night, for there is enough space for the innumerable, who
flock here, to hear the teachings from his mouth.”

This made Govinda happy, and full of joy he exclaimed: “Well so, thus
we have reached our destination, and our path has come to an end! But
tell us, oh mother of the pilgrims, do you know him, the Buddha, have
you seen him with your own eyes?”

Quoth the woman: “Many times I have seen him, the exalted one. On many
days, I have seen him, walking through the alleys in silence, wearing
his yellow cloak, presenting his alms-dish in silence at the doors of
the houses, leaving with a filled dish.”

Delightedly, Govinda listened and wanted to ask and hear much more. But
Siddhartha urged him to walk on. They thanked and left and hardly had
to ask for directions, for rather many pilgrims and monks as well from
Gotama’s community were on their way to the Jetavana. And since they
reached it at night, there were constant arrivals, shouts, and talk of
those who sought shelter and got it. The two Samanas, accustomed to
life in the forest, found quickly and without making any noise a place
to stay and rested there until the morning.

At sunrise, they saw with astonishment what a large crowd of believers
and curious people had spent the night here. On all paths of the
marvellous grove, monks walked in yellow robes, under the trees they
sat here and there, in deep contemplation—or in a conversation about
spiritual matters, the shady gardens looked like a city, full of
people, bustling like bees. The majority of the monks went out with
their alms-dish, to collect food in town for their lunch, the only meal
of the day. The Buddha himself, the enlightened one, was also in the
habit of taking this walk to beg in the morning.

Siddhartha saw him, and he instantly recognised him, as if a god had
pointed him out to him. He saw him, a simple man in a yellow robe,
bearing the alms-dish in his hand, walking silently.

“Look here!” Siddhartha said quietly to Govinda. “This one is the
Buddha.”

Attentively, Govinda looked at the monk in the yellow robe, who seemed
to be in no way different from the hundreds of other monks. And soon,
Govinda also realized: This is the one. And they followed him and
observed him.

The Buddha went on his way, modestly and deep in his thoughts, his calm
face was neither happy nor sad, it seemed to smile quietly and
inwardly. With a hidden smile, quiet, calm, somewhat resembling a
healthy child, the Buddha walked, wore the robe and placed his feet
just as all of his monks did, according to a precise rule. But his face
and his walk, his quietly lowered glance, his quietly dangling hand and
even every finger of his quietly dangling hand expressed peace,
expressed perfection, did not search, did not imitate, breathed softly
in an unwhithering calm, in an unwhithering light, an untouchable
peace.

Thus Gotama walked towards the town, to collect alms, and the two
Samanas recognised him solely by the perfection of his calm, by the
quietness of his appearance, in which there was no searching, no
desire, no imitation, no effort to be seen, only light and peace.

“Today, we’ll hear the teachings from his mouth,” said Govinda.

Siddhartha did not answer. He felt little curiosity for the teachings,
he did not believe that they would teach him anything new, but he had,
just as Govinda had, heard the contents of this Buddha’s teachings
again and again, though these reports only represented second- or
third-hand information. But attentively he looked at Gotama’s head, his
shoulders, his feet, his quietly dangling hand, and it seemed to him as
if every joint of every finger of this hand was of these teachings,
spoke of, breathed of, exhaled the fragrant of, glistened of truth.
This man, this Buddha was truthful down to the gesture of his last
finger. This man was holy. Never before, Siddhartha had venerated a
person so much, never before he had loved a person as much as this one.

They both followed the Buddha until they reached the town and then
returned in silence, for they themselves intended to abstain from on
this day. They saw Gotama returning—what he ate could not even have
satisfied a bird’s appetite, and they saw him retiring into the shade
of the mango-trees.

But in the evening, when the heat cooled down and everyone in the camp
started to bustle about and gathered around, they heard the Buddha
teaching. They heard his voice, and it was also perfected, was of
perfect calmness, was full of peace. Gotama taught the teachings of
suffering, of the origin of suffering, of the way to relieve suffering.
Calmly and clearly his quiet speech flowed on. Suffering was life, full
of suffering was the world, but salvation from suffering had been
found: salvation was obtained by him who would walk the path of the
Buddha. With a soft, yet firm voice the exalted one spoke, taught the
four main doctrines, taught the eightfold path, patiently he went the
usual path of the teachings, of the examples, of the repetitions,
brightly and quietly his voice hovered over the listeners, like a
light, like a starry sky.

When the Buddha—night had already fallen—ended his speech, many a
pilgrim stepped forward and asked to be accepted into the community,
sought refuge in the teachings. And Gotama accepted them by speaking:
“You have heard the teachings well, it has come to you well. Thus join
us and walk in holiness, to put an end to all suffering.”

Behold, then Govinda, the shy one, also stepped forward and spoke: “I
also take my refuge in the exalted one and his teachings,” and he asked
to be accepted into the community of his disciples and was accepted.

Right afterwards, when the Buddha had retired for the night, Govinda
turned to Siddhartha and spoke eagerly: “Siddhartha, it is not my place
to scold you. We have both heard the exalted one, we have both
perceived the teachings. Govinda has heard the teachings, he has taken
refuge in it. But you, my honoured friend, don’t you also want to walk
the path of salvation? Would you want to hesitate, do you want to wait
any longer?”

Siddhartha awakened as if he had been asleep, when he heard Govinda’s
words. For a long time, he looked into Govinda’s face. Then he spoke
quietly, in a voice without mockery: “Govinda, my friend, now you have
taken this step, now you have chosen this path. Always, oh Govinda,
you’ve been my friend, you’ve always walked one step behind me. Often I
have thought: Won’t Govinda for once also take a step by himself,
without me, out of his own soul? Behold, now you’ve turned into a man
and are choosing your path for yourself. I wish that you would go it up
to its end, oh my friend, that you shall find salvation!”

Govinda, not completely understanding it yet, repeated his question in
an impatient tone: “Speak up, I beg you, my dear! Tell me, since it
could not be any other way, that you also, my learned friend, will take
your refuge with the exalted Buddha!”

Siddhartha placed his hand on Govinda’s shoulder: “You failed to hear
my good wish for you, oh Govinda. I’m repeating it: I wish that you
would go this path up to its end, that you shall find salvation!”

In this moment, Govinda realized that his friend had left him, and he
started to weep.

“Siddhartha!” he exclaimed lamentingly.

Siddhartha kindly spoke to him: “Don’t forget, Govinda, that you are
now one of the Samanas of the Buddha! You have renounced your home and
your parents, renounced your birth and possessions, renounced your free
will, renounced all friendship. This is what the teachings require,
this is what the exalted one wants. This is what you wanted for
yourself. Tomorrow, oh Govinda, I’ll leave you.”

For a long time, the friends continued walking in the grove; for a long
time, they lay there and found no sleep. And over and over again,
Govinda urged his friend, he should tell him why he would not want to
seek refuge in Gotama’s teachings, what fault he would find in these
teachings. But Siddhartha turned him away every time and said: “Be
content, Govinda! Very good are the teachings of the exalted one, how
could I find a fault in them?”

Very early in the morning, a follower of Buddha, one of his oldest
monks, went through the garden and called all those to him who had as
novices taken their refuge in the teachings, to dress them up in the
yellow robe and to instruct them in the first teachings and duties of
their position. Then Govinda broke loose, embraced once again his
childhood friend and left with the novices.

But Siddhartha walked through the grove, lost in thought.

Then he happened to meet Gotama, the exalted one, and when he greeted
him with respect and the Buddha’s glance was so full of kindness and
calm, the young man summoned his courage and asked the venerable one
for the permission to talk to him. Silently the exalted one nodded his
approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “Yesterday, oh exalted one, I had been privileged to
hear your wondrous teachings. Together with my friend, I had come from
afar, to hear your teachings. And now my friend is going to stay with
your people, he has taken his refuge with you. But I will again start
on my pilgrimage.”

“As you please,” the venerable one spoke politely.

“Too bold is my speech,” Siddhartha continued, “but I do not want to
leave the exalted one without having honestly told him my thoughts.
Does it please the venerable one to listen to me for one moment
longer?”

Silently, the Buddha nodded his approval.

Quoth Siddhartha: “One thing, oh most venerable one, I have admired in
your teachings most of all. Everything in your teachings is perfectly
clear, is proven; you are presenting the world as a perfect chain, a
chain which is never and nowhere broken, an eternal chain the links of
which are causes and effects. Never before, this has been seen so
clearly; never before, this has been presented so irrefutably; truly,
the heart of every Brahman has to beat stronger with love, once he has
seen the world through your teachings perfectly connected, without
gaps, clear as a crystal, not depending on chance, not depending on
gods. Whether it may be good or bad, whether living according to it
would be suffering or joy, I do not wish to discuss, possibly this is
not essential—but the uniformity of the world, that everything which
happens is connected, that the great and the small things are all
encompassed by the same forces of time, by the same law of causes, of
coming into being and of dying, this is what shines brightly out of
your exalted teachings, oh perfected one. But according to your very
own teachings, this unity and necessary sequence of all things is
nevertheless broken in one place, through a small gap, this world of
unity is invaded by something alien, something new, something which had
not been there before, and which cannot be demonstrated and cannot be
proven: these are your teachings of overcoming the world, of salvation.
But with this small gap, with this small breach, the entire eternal and
uniform law of the world is breaking apart again and becomes void.
Please forgive me for expressing this objection.”

Quietly, Gotama had listened to him, unmoved. Now he spoke, the
perfected one, with his kind, with his polite and clear voice: “You’ve
heard the teachings, oh son of a Brahman, and good for you that you’ve
thought about it thus deeply. You’ve found a gap in it, an error. You
should think about this further. But be warned, oh seeker of knowledge,
of the thicket of opinions and of arguing about words. There is nothing
to opinions, they may be beautiful or ugly, smart or foolish, everyone
can support them or discard them. But the teachings, you’ve heard from
me, are no opinion, and their goal is not to explain the world to those
who seek knowledge. They have a different goal; their goal is salvation
from suffering. This is what Gotama teaches, nothing else.”

“I wish that you, oh exalted one, would not be angry with me,” said the
young man. “I have not spoken to you like this to argue with you, to
argue about words. You are truly right, there is little to opinions.
But let me say this one more thing: I have not doubted in you for a
single moment. I have not doubted for a single moment that you are
Buddha, that you have reached the goal, the highest goal towards which
so many thousands of Brahmans and sons of Brahmans are on their way.
You have found salvation from death. It has come to you in the course
of your own search, on your own path, through thoughts, through
meditation, through realizations, through enlightenment. It has not
come to you by means of teachings! And—thus is my thought, oh exalted
one,—nobody will obtain salvation by means of teachings! You will not
be able to convey and say to anybody, oh venerable one, in words and
through teachings what has happened to you in the hour of
enlightenment! The teachings of the enlightened Buddha contain much, it
teaches many to live righteously, to avoid evil. But there is one thing
which these so clear, these so venerable teachings do not contain: they
do not contain the mystery of what the exalted one has experienced for
himself, he alone among hundreds of thousands. This is what I have
thought and realized, when I have heard the teachings. This is why I am
continuing my travels—not to seek other, better teachings, for I know
there are none, but to depart from all teachings and all teachers and
to reach my goal by myself or to die. But often, I’ll think of this
day, oh exalted one, and of this hour, when my eyes beheld a holy man.”

The Buddha’s eyes quietly looked to the ground; quietly, in perfect
equanimity his inscrutable face was smiling.

“I wish,” the venerable one spoke slowly, “that your thoughts shall not
be in error, that you shall reach the goal! But tell me: Have you seen
the multitude of my Samanas, my many brothers, who have taken refuge in
the teachings? And do you believe, oh stranger, oh Samana, do you
believe that it would be better for them all the abandon the teachings
and to return into the life the world and of desires?”

“Far is such a thought from my mind,” exclaimed Siddhartha. “I wish
that they shall all stay with the teachings, that they shall reach
their goal! It is not my place to judge another person’s life. Only for
myself, for myself alone, I must decide, I must chose, I must refuse.
Salvation from the self is what we Samanas search for, oh exalted one.
If I merely were one of your disciples, oh venerable one, I’d fear that
it might happen to me that only seemingly, only deceptively my self
would be calm and be redeemed, but that in truth it would live on and
grow, for then I had replaced my self with the teachings, my duty to
follow you, my love for you, and the community of the monks!”

With half of a smile, with an unwavering openness and kindness, Gotama
looked into the stranger’s eyes and bid him to leave with a hardly
noticeable gesture.

“You are wise, oh Samana,” the venerable one spoke. “You know how to
talk wisely, my friend. Be aware of too much wisdom!”

The Buddha turned away, and his glance and half of a smile remained
forever etched in Siddhartha’s memory.

I have never before seen a person glance and smile, sit and walk this
way, he thought; truly, I wish to be able to glance and smile, sit and
walk this way, too, thus free, thus venerable, thus concealed, thus
open, thus childlike and mysterious. Truly, only a person who has
succeeded in reaching the innermost part of his self would glance and
walk this way. Well so, I also will seek to reach the innermost part of
my self.

I saw a man, Siddhartha thought, a single man, before whom I would have
to lower my glance. I do not want to lower my glance before any other,
not before any other. No teachings will entice me any more, since this
man’s teachings have not enticed me.

I am deprived by the Buddha, thought Siddhartha, I am deprived, and
even more he has given to me. He has deprived me of my friend, the one
who had believed in me and now believes in him, who had been my shadow
and is now Gotama’s shadow. But he has given me Siddhartha, myself.