Summary
Montaigne reflects deeply on the nature of true friendship through his relationship with Étienne de La Boétie, who died young but left an indelible mark on his life. He systematically examines different types of relationships—family bonds, romantic love, marriage, casual friendships—and explains why none of these can match the perfection of true friendship. Family relationships are bound by obligation rather than choice; romantic love is passionate but unstable and physical; marriage involves legal contracts and practical considerations that complicate pure affection. True friendship, by contrast, is a meeting of souls so complete that the friends become 'one soul in two bodies.' Montaigne describes how he and La Boétie were drawn to each other by an inexplicable force, understanding each other so completely that they held nothing back. This wasn't gradual—they recognized their connection immediately and gave themselves entirely to the friendship. Montaigne argues that such friendship is so rare that most people will never experience it, and that it's impossible to have this level of connection with more than one person at a time. Since La Boétie's death, Montaigne feels he lives only half a life, having lost the other half of himself. The essay serves as both a philosophical meditation on friendship and a moving tribute to a relationship that shaped Montaigne's understanding of human connection.
Coming Up in Chapter 28
Having explored the heights of human friendship, Montaigne next presents poetry from his beloved friend La Boétie, offering readers a glimpse into the literary talent of the man who so profoundly shaped his understanding of life and relationship.
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An excerpt from the original text.(~500 words)
OF FRIENDSHIP Having considered the proceedings of a painter that serves me, I had a mind to imitate his way. He chooses the fairest place and middle of any wall, or panel, wherein to draw a picture, which he finishes with his utmost care and art, and the vacuity about it he fills with grotesques, which are odd fantastic figures without any grace but what they derive from their variety, and the extravagance of their shapes. And in truth, what are these things I scribble, other than grotesques and monstrous bodies, made of various parts, without any certain figure, or any other than accidental order, coherence, or proportion? “Desinit in piscem mulier formosa superne.” [“A fair woman in her upper form terminates in a fish.” --Horace, De Arte Poetica, v. 4.] In this second part I go hand in hand with my painter; but fall very short of him in the first and the better, my power of handling not being such, that I dare to offer at a rich piece, finely polished, and set off according to art. I have therefore thought fit to borrow one of Estienne de la Boetie, and such a one as shall honour and adorn all the rest of my work--namely, a discourse that he called ‘Voluntary Servitude’; but, since, those who did not know him have properly enough called it “Le contr Un.” He wrote in his youth,--[“Not being as yet eighteen years old.”--Edition of 1588.] by way of essay, in honour of liberty against tyrants; and it has since run through the hands of men of great learning and judgment, not without singular and merited commendation; for it is finely written, and as full as anything can possibly be. And yet one may confidently say it is far short of what he was able to do; and if in that more mature age, wherein I had the happiness to know him, he had taken a design like this of mine, to commit his thoughts to writing, we should have seen a great many rare things, and such as would have gone very near to have rivalled the best writings of antiquity: for in natural parts especially, I know no man comparable to him. But he has left nothing behind him, save this treatise only (and that too by chance, for I believe he never saw it after it first went out of his hands), and some observations upon that edict of January--[1562, which granted to the Huguenots the public exercise of their religion.]--made famous by our civil-wars, which also shall elsewhere, peradventure, find a place. These were all I could recover of his remains, I to whom with so affectionate a remembrance, upon his death-bed, he by his last will bequeathed his library and papers, the little book of his works only excepted, which I committed to the press. And this particular obligation I have to this treatise of his, that it was the occasion of my first coming acquainted with him;...
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Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Soul Recognition - Why Deep Connection Can't Be Forced
True deep connection happens through immediate mutual recognition rather than gradual relationship building or social construction.
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches how to distinguish between transactional relationships and the rare connection where two people see each other completely.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when you feel truly seen versus when you're just getting along well - the difference reveals which relationships deserve your deepest investment.
Now let's explore the literary elements.
Terms to Know
Voluntary Servitude
La Boétie's essay about why people willingly submit to tyrants and give up their freedom. It explores how dictators maintain power not through force alone, but because people choose to obey them.
Modern Usage:
We see this when people stay in toxic relationships or jobs, or when citizens don't question authoritarian leaders.
Grotesques
Decorative art featuring strange, fantastical figures used to fill empty spaces around a main painting. Montaigne uses this as a metaphor for his own writing style - scattered thoughts around central ideas.
Modern Usage:
Like how we fill our social media feeds with random posts around the important stuff we really want to share.
One soul in two bodies
Montaigne's description of perfect friendship where two people understand each other so completely they become like one person. This goes beyond normal friendship into spiritual connection.
Modern Usage:
When we say someone is our 'other half' or 'soulmate' - that person who just gets us completely.
Essay
Montaigne essentially invented the personal essay - a form of writing where you explore your own thoughts and experiences to understand universal truths. It means 'attempt' or 'trial' in French.
Modern Usage:
Like writing a thoughtful blog post or journal entry where you work through your feelings about something.
Humanist friendship
Renaissance ideal of friendship based on shared intellectual pursuits, moral virtue, and deep understanding rather than just fun or convenience. It was considered the highest form of human relationship.
Modern Usage:
The friend who challenges you to be better, who you can talk to about anything, not just someone to hang out with.
Characters in This Chapter
Étienne de La Boétie
Beloved friend and intellectual companion
Montaigne's closest friend who died young, leaving Montaigne feeling incomplete. Their friendship represents Montaigne's ideal of perfect human connection - immediate, total, and irreplaceable.
Modern Equivalent:
The best friend who died too young, leaving you feeling like part of yourself is missing
Montaigne
Narrator and philosopher
Reflects on the nature of true friendship through his grief and memories. Uses his personal experience to explore universal questions about human relationships and connection.
Modern Equivalent:
The person writing a heartfelt social media post about their late best friend
Key Quotes & Analysis
"If you press me to tell why I loved him, I feel that this cannot be expressed, except by answering: Because it was he, because it was I."
Context: Explaining why he and La Boétie became such close friends
This captures the mysterious, inexplicable nature of true connection. Montaigne admits there's no logical reason - some relationships just work on a level beyond explanation or analysis.
In Today's Words:
I can't explain why we clicked so perfectly - it just felt right from the start.
"In the friendship I speak of, our souls mingle and blend with each other so completely that they efface the seam that joined them, and cannot find it again."
Context: Describing the depth of his friendship with La Boétie
This shows how perfect friendship creates unity while maintaining individuality. The friends become so close they can't tell where one ends and the other begins, yet they remain distinct people.
In Today's Words:
We became so close that we couldn't tell where I ended and he began.
"Since the day I lost him, I only drag on a weary life. And the very pleasures that come my way, instead of consoling me, redouble my grief for his loss."
Context: Reflecting on life after La Boétie's death
This reveals how losing a true friend changes everything permanently. Even good experiences become painful reminders of what's missing, showing the lasting impact of deep relationships.
In Today's Words:
Ever since he died, I just go through the motions. Even happy moments hurt because I can't share them with him.
Thematic Threads
Authentic Connection
In This Chapter
Montaigne distinguishes between different types of human bonds, showing that true friendship transcends all other relationships through complete mutual understanding
Development
Introduced here
In Your Life:
You recognize this in relationships where you can be completely yourself without performance or editing.
Social Expectations
In This Chapter
He systematically rejects society's prescribed relationship categories—family duty, romantic passion, marital contract—as inadequate for describing true connection
Development
Builds on earlier themes about rejecting social conventions when they don't serve authentic living
In Your Life:
You feel this tension when people expect certain relationships to fulfill roles they simply can't.
Loss and Grief
In This Chapter
Montaigne describes feeling like half a person after La Boétie's death, showing how profound connection changes our very sense of self
Development
Introduced here
In Your Life:
You understand this if you've lost someone who truly knew you and felt like part of yourself died with them.
Identity
In This Chapter
Through friendship, Montaigne discovers that identity isn't fixed—he becomes 'one soul in two bodies,' showing how deep connection transforms who we are
Development
Deepens ongoing exploration of how we become ourselves through relationships and experience
In Your Life:
You recognize this when certain people bring out aspects of yourself that no one else does.
Human Relationships
In This Chapter
He creates a hierarchy of human bonds, showing that not all connections are equal and that the rarest form—soul friendship—is qualitatively different from all others
Development
Builds on earlier observations about human nature, now focusing specifically on the spectrum of human connection
In Your Life:
You see this in how different people in your life serve different purposes and reach different depths of knowing you.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
How does Montaigne describe his friendship with La Boétie as different from family relationships, romantic love, or marriage?
analysis • surface - 2
Why does Montaigne believe true friendship can only exist between two people, not in groups?
analysis • medium - 3
Think about your closest relationships. Which ones feel like 'soul recognition' versus constructed connections based on shared activities or circumstances?
application • medium - 4
When you've encountered someone who truly 'gets' you, how did you handle that connection? Did you invest fully or hold back, and why?
application • deep - 5
What does Montaigne's experience teach us about the difference between loneliness and solitude after losing someone who truly understood us?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Connection Types
Create a simple diagram of your important relationships. Draw circles for different people and label each connection type: family obligation, work collaboration, shared activity, romantic partnership, or soul recognition. Notice which categories have the most circles and which feel most energizing to you.
Consider:
- •Most relationships serve specific purposes and that's perfectly normal
- •Soul recognition connections are rare - you might only have one or two in a lifetime
- •Energy flows differently in constructed versus recognized connections
Journaling Prompt
Write about a time when you felt completely understood by someone. How did that change how you approached other relationships? What did it teach you about what you're looking for in human connection?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 28: Love Letters from a Lost Friend
What lies ahead teaches us grief shapes what we choose to preserve and share, and shows us the difference between private passion and public legacy. These patterns appear in literature and life alike.