Summary
Princess Mary faces the hardest truth about caregiving: sometimes we wish for the end, even when we love someone deeply. As Napoleon's army approaches and her father lies paralyzed after a stroke, Mary struggles with conflicting emotions. She's devoted her life to caring for this difficult, often cruel man, yet finds herself hoping for his death—not from hatred, but from exhaustion and a desperate longing for freedom. When he briefly regains consciousness, their final conversation reveals the tenderness that always existed beneath his harsh exterior. He thanks her, asks forgiveness, and tells her to wear her white dress because he likes it—simple words that carry a lifetime of unexpressed love. After he dies, Mary is overwhelmed not with relief but with horror at the finality of death and guilt over her earlier wishes. This chapter captures the complex reality of caring for difficult family members: the resentment, the duty, the love, and the shame we feel about our own limitations. Tolstoy shows us that being human means having contradictory feelings, and that's okay. Mary's struggle reflects what many caregivers face—the exhaustion that makes us wish for an end we'll later regret wanting. Her father's final words remind us that even the most difficult people are capable of love; they just don't always know how to show it until it's almost too late.
Coming Up in Chapter 199
With her father dead and the French army closing in, Princess Mary must make critical decisions about her family's estate and the peasants who depend on her. But the approaching war will test her in ways she never imagined.
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An excerpt from the original text.(~500 words)
Princess Mary was not in Moscow and out of danger as Prince Andrew supposed. After the return of Alpátych from Smolénsk the old prince suddenly seemed to awake as from a dream. He ordered the militiamen to be called up from the villages and armed, and wrote a letter to the commander in chief informing him that he had resolved to remain at Bald Hills to the last extremity and to defend it, leaving to the commander in chief’s discretion to take measures or not for the defense of Bald Hills, where one of Russia’s oldest generals would be captured or killed, and he announced to his household that he would remain at Bald Hills. But while himself remaining, he gave instructions for the departure of the princess and Dessalles with the little prince to Boguchárovo and thence to Moscow. Princess Mary, alarmed by her father’s feverish and sleepless activity after his previous apathy, could not bring herself to leave him alone and for the first time in her life ventured to disobey him. She refused to go away and her father’s fury broke over her in a terrible storm. He repeated every injustice he had ever inflicted on her. Trying to convict her, he told her she had worn him out, had caused his quarrel with his son, had harbored nasty suspicions of him, making it the object of her life to poison his existence, and he drove her from his study telling her that if she did not go away it was all the same to him. He declared that he did not wish to remember her existence and warned her not to dare to let him see her. The fact that he did not, as she had feared, order her to be carried away by force but only told her not to let him see her cheered Princess Mary. She knew it was a proof that in the depth of his soul he was glad she was remaining at home and had not gone away. The morning after little Nicholas had left, the old prince donned his full uniform and prepared to visit the commander in chief. His calèche was already at the door. Princess Mary saw him walk out of the house in his uniform wearing all his orders and go down the garden to review his armed peasants and domestic serfs. She sat by the window listening to his voice which reached her from the garden. Suddenly several men came running up the avenue with frightened faces. Princess Mary ran out to the porch, down the flower-bordered path, and into the avenue. A large crowd of militiamen and domestics were moving toward her, and in their midst several men were supporting by the armpits and dragging along a little old man in a uniform and decorations. She ran up to him and, in the play of the sunlight that fell in small round spots through the shade of the lime-tree avenue, could not be sure...
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Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Caregiver's Guilt
The cycle where legitimate caregiver exhaustion creates wishes for relief that feel morally unacceptable, generating shame that compounds the original burden.
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches that contradictory feelings toward the same person are normal, not moral failures.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when you feel two opposite emotions about someone—you can love your difficult mother while resenting her demands, or miss your ex while being glad they're gone.
Now let's explore the literary elements.
Terms to Know
Caregiver burnout
The physical and emotional exhaustion that comes from caring for someone difficult or demanding over a long period. It often includes feelings of resentment, guilt, and even wishing for the person's death - not from hatred, but from desperation for relief.
Modern Usage:
We see this today with adult children caring for aging parents, or spouses dealing with partners who have dementia or chronic illness.
Emotional ambivalence
Having completely opposite feelings about the same person or situation at the same time. You can love someone deeply while also resenting them, or want something while dreading it.
Modern Usage:
Like loving your job but hating your boss, or wanting your difficult relative to get better while secretly hoping they'll just go peacefully.
Deathbed reconciliation
When someone who has been harsh or distant their whole life finally shows tenderness and love in their final moments. It's both healing and heartbreaking because it shows what could have been.
Modern Usage:
Happens in hospitals and hospices every day - the tough parent who finally says 'I love you' or the distant spouse who asks forgiveness.
Filial duty
The obligation children feel to care for their parents, especially in old age or illness, regardless of how those parents treated them. It's about honor and responsibility, not necessarily love.
Modern Usage:
Today we call it 'taking care of family' - that sense that you have to help your parents even if they weren't great to you growing up.
Anticipatory grief
The mourning that happens before someone dies, when you're already grieving the loss while the person is still alive. It includes guilt about wanting the suffering to end.
Modern Usage:
Common with terminal illnesses or dementia - families start grieving before the actual death, which can make them feel guilty or confused.
Paralytic stroke
A type of stroke that leaves someone unable to move or speak properly, often making them completely dependent on others for basic care. In Tolstoy's time, this was essentially a death sentence.
Modern Usage:
Today we have better stroke treatment and rehabilitation, but families still face the reality of caring for someone who may never recover.
Characters in This Chapter
Princess Mary
Devoted daughter and caregiver
She's spent her life caring for her difficult father and now faces his death with complex emotions - love, duty, resentment, and guilt all mixed together. Her struggle shows the reality of long-term caregiving.
Modern Equivalent:
The adult daughter who gave up her own life to care for a demanding parent
The old prince (Prince Bolkonski)
Dying patriarch
A harsh, controlling man who has been cruel to his daughter throughout her life, but in his final moments shows the love he never knew how to express. His stroke leaves him helpless and dependent.
Modern Equivalent:
The tough, emotionally distant father who only shows affection when it's too late
Prince Andrew
Absent son
Mary's brother who assumes she's safe in Moscow while she's actually trapped caring for their dying father. His absence highlights how caregiving often falls to one family member.
Modern Equivalent:
The sibling who lives far away and doesn't realize how bad things have gotten at home
Key Quotes & Analysis
"She refused to go away and her father's fury broke over her in a terrible storm."
Context: When Mary disobeys her father's order to leave for safety
This shows the impossible position caregivers face - staying means danger and abuse, but leaving feels like abandonment. Mary chooses duty over self-preservation.
In Today's Words:
She wouldn't abandon him, so he completely lost it on her.
"He repeated every injustice he had ever inflicted on her."
Context: The father's cruel words during what becomes their final fight
This captures how people often hurt those who care for them most, especially when they're scared and losing control. It's the caregiver's cruelest burden.
In Today's Words:
He threw every mean thing he'd ever done to her right back in her face.
"Forgive me, forgive me! Thank you... dress... the white one..."
Context: His final words to Mary before dying
After a lifetime of harshness, he finally shows love and asks forgiveness. The mention of the white dress reveals he noticed and cared about small things that made her happy.
In Today's Words:
I'm sorry for everything. Thank you for taking care of me. Wear that dress I like on you.
Thematic Threads
Duty vs. Self-Preservation
In This Chapter
Mary feels obligated to care for her difficult father while secretly longing for freedom from this burden
Development
Evolved from earlier themes about women's limited choices—now showing the psychological cost of accepting duty over personal needs
In Your Life:
You might recognize this when staying in situations that drain you because you feel you 'should' or others depend on you.
Hidden Love
In This Chapter
The father's final tender words reveal the affection he never expressed during years of harsh treatment
Development
Continues the theme of people struggling to show vulnerability—here showing how death can finally break down emotional barriers
In Your Life:
You might see this in family members who show love through criticism or people who only express feelings during crises.
Moral Complexity
In This Chapter
Mary experiences contradictory emotions—love, resentment, relief, and guilt—all simultaneously and all valid
Development
Deepens from earlier exploration of characters having mixed motives—now showing how good people can have 'bad' thoughts
In Your Life:
You might recognize this when you feel guilty for having normal human reactions to difficult situations.
Social Isolation
In This Chapter
Mary bears her burden alone, unable to voice her true feelings about caregiving because they seem shameful
Development
Builds on themes of characters hiding their real selves—here showing how social expectations create emotional isolation
In Your Life:
You might experience this when your real struggles don't match what others expect to hear about your situation.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
What conflicting emotions does Princess Mary experience as she cares for her dying father?
analysis • surface - 2
Why does Mary feel guilty about wishing for her father's death, even though she genuinely loves him?
analysis • medium - 3
Where do you see this pattern of caregiver exhaustion and guilt in families today?
application • medium - 4
How could Mary have handled her caregiver burnout differently to reduce her guilt and resentment?
application • deep - 5
What does this chapter reveal about the difference between loving someone and enjoying caring for them?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Caregiver Boundaries
Think of someone you care for or support regularly - a parent, child, friend, or even yourself. Draw a simple chart with two columns: 'What I Can Control' and 'What I Cannot Control.' List specific aspects of their care, behavior, or situation in each column. Then identify one boundary you could set to protect your own well-being without abandoning your care responsibilities.
Consider:
- •Loving someone doesn't mean accepting unlimited demands on your time and energy
- •Setting boundaries often helps relationships by preventing resentment from building up
- •You can acknowledge your limits without feeling guilty about being human
Journaling Prompt
Write about a time when you felt torn between caring for someone and caring for yourself. What did you learn about balancing duty with your own needs?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 199: When Authority Meets Resistance
Moving forward, we'll examine to recognize when people are giving you lip service instead of real compliance, and understand communities sometimes resist change even when it's for their own safety. These insights bridge the gap between classic literature and modern experience.