Summary
Aristotle tackles the messy realities of human relationships, starting with a fundamental question: when people want different things from a relationship, who decides what's fair? He explores how to balance competing obligations - should you help your friend or your parent first? Pay back a debt or help someone in need? These aren't abstract puzzles but daily dilemmas that reveal our character. The chapter then examines when friendships should end. Sometimes people change and grow apart, like childhood friends who develop in different directions. Other times, someone becomes genuinely bad, and continuing the friendship would be harmful. Aristotle argues we shouldn't cling to relationships that no longer serve anyone well, but we should honor what those connections once meant. Perhaps most provocatively, he defends self-love as essential rather than selfish. The person who truly loves themselves - meaning they pursue what's genuinely good for them, not just what feels good - becomes capable of real friendship. They can give to others because they're not desperately trying to fill an inner void. This leads to his insights about what makes friendships thrive: shared activities, mutual respect, and the recognition that good friends help us become better versions of ourselves. Finally, he addresses practical questions about friendship - how many friends can you really have? Do you need friends more in good times or bad? His answers are surprisingly modern: quality over quantity, and yes, we need friends in all seasons of life, though for different reasons.
Coming Up in Chapter 10
Having explored the complexities of friendship and love, Aristotle turns to perhaps the most fundamental question of all: what is pleasure, and how does it relate to the good life? The final book will tie together everything we've learned about virtue, happiness, and human flourishing.
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An excerpt from the original text.(~500 words)
BOOK IX ====================================================================== 1 In all friendships between dissimilars it is, as we have said, proportion that equalizes the parties and preserves the friendship; e.g. in the political form of friendship the shoemaker gets a return for his shoes in proportion to his worth, and the weaver and all other craftsmen do the same. Now here a common measure has been provided in the form of money, and therefore everything is referred to this and measured by this; but in the friendship of lovers sometimes the lover complains that his excess of love is not met by love in return though perhaps there is nothing lovable about him), while often the beloved complains that the lover who formerly promised everything now performs nothing. Such incidents happen when the lover loves the beloved for the sake of pleasure while the beloved loves the lover for the sake of utility, and they do not both possess the qualities expected of them. If these be the objects of the friendship it is dissolved when they do not get the things that formed the motives of their love; for each did not love the other person himself but the qualities he had, and these were not enduring; that is why the friendships also are transient. But the love of characters, as has been said, endures because it is self-dependent. Differences arise when what they get is something different and not what they desire; for it is like getting nothing at all when we do not get what we aim at; compare the story of the person who made promises to a lyre-player, promising him the more, the better he sang, but in the morning, when the other demanded the fulfilment of his promises, said that he had given pleasure for pleasure. Now if this had been what each wanted, all would have been well; but if the one wanted enjoyment but the other gain, and the one has what he wants while the other has not, the terms of the association will not have been properly fulfilled; for what each in fact wants is what he attends to, and it is for the sake of that that that he will give what he has. But who is to fix the worth of the service; he who makes the sacrifice or he who has got the advantage? At any rate the other seems to leave it to him. This is what they say Protagoras used to do; whenever he taught anything whatsoever, he bade the learner assess the value of the knowledge, and accepted the amount so fixed. But in such matters some men approve of the saying 'let a man have his fixed reward'. Those who get the money first and then do none of the things they said they would, owing to the extravagance of their promises, naturally find themselves the objects of complaint; for they do not fulfil what they agreed to. The sophists are perhaps compelled to do this because no...
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Intelligence Amplifier™ Analysis
The Road of Relationship Triage - When Competing Loyalties Collide
When we try to meet every competing demand on our loyalty, we spread ourselves too thin to help anyone effectively and enable unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Why This Matters
Connect literature to life
This chapter teaches how to distinguish between genuine need and manipulative pressure by examining the patterns of how people make requests and respond to boundaries.
Practice This Today
This week, notice when someone makes you feel guilty for saying no versus when they respect your limitations—the difference reveals who sees you as a person versus a resource.
Now let's explore the literary elements.
Terms to Know
Proportional Justice
The idea that fairness in relationships means each person gives and receives according to their worth or contribution, not necessarily equal amounts. A skilled craftsman should get more for their work than an unskilled one.
Modern Usage:
We see this in salary negotiations, where experience and skills justify different pay rates, or in relationships where partners contribute different things but both feel valued.
Utility Friendship
A relationship based on what each person can do for the other - networking contacts, business partnerships, or friends who help with specific needs. These friendships end when the usefulness stops.
Modern Usage:
Think work friendships that fade after job changes, or relationships that exist mainly for babysitting trades or professional connections.
Pleasure Friendship
Relationships built around having fun together - drinking buddies, hobby partners, or people you enjoy being around. These fade when circumstances change or interests shift.
Modern Usage:
College friends who only partied together, gym buddies, or people you only see at specific social events but don't really know personally.
Character Friendship
The deepest form of friendship where you genuinely care about the other person's wellbeing and growth. These friends help you become a better person and stick around through changes.
Modern Usage:
The friend who tells you hard truths when you need to hear them, celebrates your growth, and stays close even when life gets messy.
Self-Love vs. Selfishness
True self-love means wanting what's genuinely good for yourself long-term, including moral growth and meaningful relationships. Selfishness is grabbing immediate pleasure without considering consequences.
Modern Usage:
Self-love is setting boundaries and investing in your health; selfishness is always putting your wants first regardless of how it affects others.
Moral Obligation Hierarchy
The ranking system for deciding who you owe help to first when you can't help everyone - family, friends, community, strangers. Different situations might change the order.
Modern Usage:
Deciding whether to lend money to your struggling sister or your best friend, or choosing between helping your kids with homework or volunteering at church.
Characters in This Chapter
The Lover
Example of mismatched expectations
Represents someone who gives excessive affection expecting love in return, but may not actually be lovable. Shows how relationships fail when people want different things.
Modern Equivalent:
The person who love-bombs someone expecting instant commitment
The Beloved
Example of transactional relationships
Enjoys the attention and gifts but doesn't reciprocate genuine feeling. Demonstrates how utility-based relationships create resentment when expectations aren't met.
Modern Equivalent:
The person who enjoys being spoiled but keeps their options open
The Shoemaker
Example of fair exchange
Represents honest trade where value is exchanged proportionally. Shows how some relationships can work well when both parties understand what they're trading.
Modern Equivalent:
The reliable contractor who does good work for fair pay
The Virtuous Friend
Model of ideal friendship
Someone who loves their friend's character rather than what they can get from them. These friendships last because they're based on who people really are.
Modern Equivalent:
The friend who stays loyal through your ups and downs and helps you grow
Key Quotes & Analysis
"The love of characters endures because it is self-dependent."
Context: Explaining why some friendships last while others fade quickly
This reveals that relationships based on who someone really is, rather than what they can do for you, have staying power. Character doesn't change as quickly as circumstances or interests.
In Today's Words:
When you love someone for who they are as a person, that friendship can weather any storm.
"Each did not love the other person himself but the qualities he had, and these were not enduring."
Context: Explaining why relationships based on pleasure or utility fail
This cuts to the heart of why so many relationships disappoint us. When we fall for someone's money, looks, or what they can do for us, we're setting ourselves up for heartbreak when those things change.
In Today's Words:
You weren't really in love with them - you were in love with their money, their status, or how they made you feel.
"It is like getting nothing at all when we do not get what we desire."
Context: Describing the disappointment when relationships don't meet our expectations
This captures the bitter feeling of unmet expectations in relationships. Even if someone gives us something valuable, if it's not what we wanted, we feel cheated.
In Today's Words:
When someone gives you something different from what you really wanted, it feels like they gave you nothing at all.
Thematic Threads
Class
In This Chapter
Working-class people face more competing demands with fewer resources—can't hire help or buy their way out of difficult choices
Development
Evolved from earlier discussions of virtue to show how economic constraints shape moral decisions
In Your Life:
You might feel guilty setting boundaries because you know how hard life is for everyone around you.
Identity
In This Chapter
Aristotle argues healthy self-love isn't selfish—knowing your worth enables better relationships
Development
Builds on previous chapters about virtue to show self-knowledge as foundation for all relationships
In Your Life:
You might struggle to value yourself enough to demand reciprocity in relationships.
Social Expectations
In This Chapter
Society pressures us to maintain all relationships regardless of their health or reciprocity
Development
Continues theme of external pressures versus internal wisdom from earlier chapters
In Your Life:
You might stay in draining relationships because 'that's what family/friends do.'
Personal Growth
In This Chapter
Sometimes people grow in different directions and friendships naturally end—this isn't failure
Development
Extends virtue development theme to show relationships as part of becoming who you're meant to be
In Your Life:
You might feel guilty outgrowing relationships that no longer serve your development.
Human Relationships
In This Chapter
Quality friendships require shared activities, mutual respect, and helping each other grow
Development
Culminates relationship themes by defining what healthy connections actually look like
In Your Life:
You might realize some relationships lack the foundation for true friendship and that's okay.
You now have the context. Time to form your own thoughts.
Discussion Questions
- 1
When Aristotle says we face competing loyalties between friends, family, and debts, what kinds of daily situations is he describing?
analysis • surface - 2
Why does Aristotle argue that trying to help everyone equally often means helping no one well?
analysis • medium - 3
Think about your own relationships - where do you see the pattern of spreading yourself too thin or staying in draining friendships out of guilt?
application • medium - 4
How would you apply Aristotle's framework of 'honor deepest obligations first' and 'invest in relationships that invest back' to a specific situation you're facing?
application • deep - 5
What does Aristotle's defense of healthy self-love reveal about why some people struggle to maintain good relationships?
reflection • deep
Critical Thinking Exercise
Map Your Relationship Energy Flow
Draw three columns: 'Gives me energy,' 'Neutral,' and 'Drains my energy.' List your key relationships in each column. Then look at how much time and emotional energy you invest in each category. What patterns do you notice? Are you over-investing in draining relationships while neglecting energizing ones?
Consider:
- •Consider both the emotional and practical support each relationship provides
- •Think about which relationships feel reciprocal versus one-sided
- •Notice if you're avoiding difficult conversations that could improve neutral relationships
Journaling Prompt
Write about one relationship you might need to set better boundaries with, and one relationship you'd like to invest more energy in. What small step could you take this week toward better relationship balance?
Coming Up Next...
Chapter 10: The Good Life and True Happiness
In the next chapter, you'll discover to distinguish between fleeting pleasures and lasting fulfillment, and learn contemplation and learning are essential to human flourishing. These insights reveal timeless patterns that resonate in our own lives and relationships.