Robinson Crusoe

LL AND CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN

When I came down to the ship I found it strangely removed. The
forecastle, which lay before buried in sand, was heaved up at least six
feet, and the stern, which was broke in pieces and parted from the rest
by the force of the sea, soon after I had left rummaging her, was
tossed as it were up, and cast on one side; and the sand was thrown so
high on that side next her stern, that whereas there was a great place
of water before, so that I could not come within a quarter of a mile of
the wreck without swimming I could now walk quite up to her when the
tide was out. I was surprised with this at first, but soon concluded it
must be done by the earthquake; and as by this violence the ship was
more broke open than formerly, so many things came daily on shore,
which the sea had loosened, and which the winds and water rolled by
degrees to the land.

This wholly diverted my thoughts from the design of removing my
habitation, and I busied myself mightily, that day especially, in
searching whether I could make any way into the ship; but I found
nothing was to be expected of that kind, for all the inside of the ship
was choked up with sand. However, as I had learned not to despair of
anything, I resolved to pull everything to pieces that I could of the
ship, concluding that everything I could get from her would be of some
use or other to me.

May 3.—I began with my saw, and cut a piece of a beam through, which
I thought held some of the upper part or quarter-deck together, and
when I had cut it through, I cleared away the sand as well as I could
from the side which lay highest; but the tide coming in, I was obliged
to give over for that time.

May 4.—I went a-fishing, but caught not one fish that I durst eat of,
till I was weary of my sport; when, just going to leave off, I caught a
young dolphin. I had made me a long line of some rope-yarn, but I had
no hooks; yet I frequently caught fish enough, as much as I cared to
eat; all which I dried in the sun, and ate them dry.

May 5.—Worked on the wreck; cut another beam asunder, and brought
three great fir planks off from the decks, which I tied together, and
made to float on shore when the tide of flood came on.

May 6.—Worked on the wreck; got several iron bolts out of her and
other pieces of ironwork. Worked very hard, and came home very much
tired, and had thoughts of giving it over.

May 7.—Went to the wreck again, not with an intent to work, but found
the weight of the wreck had broke itself down, the beams being cut;
that several pieces of the ship seemed to lie loose, and the inside of
the hold lay so open that I could see into it; but it was almost full
of water and sand.

May 8.—Went to the wreck, and carried an iron crow to wrench up the
deck, which lay now quite clear of the water or sand. I wrenched open
two planks, and brought them on shore also with the tide. I left the
iron crow in the wreck for next day.

May 9.—Went to the wreck, and with the crow made way into the body of
the wreck, and felt several casks, and loosened them with the crow, but
could not break them up. I felt also a roll of English lead, and could
stir it, but it was too heavy to remove.

May 10–14.—Went every day to the wreck; and got a great many pieces
of timber, and boards, or plank, and two or three hundredweight of
iron.

May 15.—I carried two hatchets, to try if I could not cut a piece off
the roll of lead by placing the edge of one hatchet and driving it with
the other; but as it lay about a foot and a half in the water, I could
not make any blow to drive the hatchet.

May 16.—It had blown hard in the night, and the wreck appeared more
broken by the force of the water; but I stayed so long in the woods, to
get pigeons for food, that the tide prevented my going to the wreck
that day.

May 17.—I saw some pieces of the wreck blown on shore, at a great
distance, near two miles off me, but resolved to see what they were,
and found it was a piece of the head, but too heavy for me to bring
away.

May 24.—Every day, to this day, I worked on the wreck; and with hard
labour I loosened some things so much with the crow, that the first
flowing tide several casks floated out, and two of the seamen’s chests;
but the wind blowing from the shore, nothing came to land that day but
pieces of timber, and a hogshead, which had some Brazil pork in it; but
the salt water and the sand had spoiled it. I continued this work every
day to the 15th of June, except the time necessary to get food, which I
always appointed, during this part of my employment, to be when the
tide was up, that I might be ready when it was ebbed out; and by this
time I had got timber and plank and ironwork enough to have built a
good boat, if I had known how; and also I got, at several times and in
several pieces, near one hundredweight of the sheet lead.

June 16.—Going down to the seaside, I found a large tortoise or
turtle. This was the first I had seen, which, it seems, was only my
misfortune, not any defect of the place, or scarcity; for had I
happened to be on the other side of the island, I might have had
hundreds of them every day, as I found afterwards; but perhaps had paid
dear enough for them.

June 17.—I spent in cooking the turtle. I found in her three-score
eggs; and her flesh was to me, at that time, the most savoury and
pleasant that ever I tasted in my life, having had no flesh, but of
goats and fowls, since I landed in this horrid place.

June 18.—Rained all day, and I stayed within. I thought at this time
the rain felt cold, and I was something chilly; which I knew was not
usual in that latitude.

June 19.—Very ill, and shivering, as if the weather had been cold.

June 20.—No rest all night; violent pains in my head, and feverish.

June 21.—Very ill; frighted almost to death with the apprehensions of
my sad condition—to be sick, and no help. Prayed to God, for the first
time since the storm off Hull, but scarce knew what I said, or why, my
thoughts being all confused.

June 22.—A little better; but under dreadful apprehensions of
sickness.

June 23.—Very bad again; cold and shivering, and then a violent
headache.

June 24.—Much better.

June 25.—An ague very violent; the fit held me seven hours; cold fit
and hot, with faint sweats after it.

June 26.—Better; and having no victuals to eat, took my gun, but
found myself very weak. However, I killed a she-goat, and with much
difficulty got it home, and broiled some of it, and ate, I would fain
have stewed it, and made some broth, but had no pot.

June 27.—The ague again so violent that I lay a-bed all day, and
neither ate nor drank. I was ready to perish for thirst; but so weak, I
had not strength to stand up, or to get myself any water to drink.
Prayed to God again, but was light-headed; and when I was not, I was so
ignorant that I knew not what to say; only I lay and cried, “Lord, look
upon me! Lord, pity me! Lord, have mercy upon me!” I suppose I did
nothing else for two or three hours; till, the fit wearing off, I fell
asleep, and did not wake till far in the night. When I awoke, I found
myself much refreshed, but weak, and exceeding thirsty. However, as I
had no water in my habitation, I was forced to lie till morning, and
went to sleep again. In this second sleep I had this terrible dream: I
thought that I was sitting on the ground, on the outside of my wall,
where I sat when the storm blew after the earthquake, and that I saw a
man descend from a great black cloud, in a bright flame of fire, and
light upon the ground. He was all over as bright as a flame, so that I
could but just bear to look towards him; his countenance was most
inexpressibly dreadful, impossible for words to describe. When he
stepped upon the ground with his feet, I thought the earth trembled,
just as it had done before in the earthquake, and all the air looked,
to my apprehension, as if it had been filled with flashes of fire. He
was no sooner landed upon the earth, but he moved forward towards me,
with a long spear or weapon in his hand, to kill me; and when he came
to a rising ground, at some distance, he spoke to me—or I heard a voice
so terrible that it is impossible to express the terror of it. All that
I can say I understood was this: “Seeing all these things have not
brought thee to repentance, now thou shalt die;” at which words, I
thought he lifted up the spear that was in his hand to kill me.

No one that shall ever read this account will expect that I should be
able to describe the horrors of my soul at this terrible vision. I
mean, that even while it was a dream, I even dreamed of those horrors.
Nor is it any more possible to describe the impression that remained
upon my mind when I awaked, and found it was but a dream.

I had, alas! no divine knowledge. What I had received by the good
instruction of my father was then worn out by an uninterrupted series,
for eight years, of seafaring wickedness, and a constant conversation
with none but such as were, like myself, wicked and profane to the last
degree. I do not remember that I had, in all that time, one thought
that so much as tended either to looking upwards towards God, or
inwards towards a reflection upon my own ways; but a certain stupidity
of soul, without desire of good, or conscience of evil, had entirely
overwhelmed me; and I was all that the most hardened, unthinking,
wicked creature among our common sailors can be supposed to be; not
having the least sense, either of the fear of God in danger, or of
thankfulness to God in deliverance.

In the relating what is already past of my story, this will be the more
easily believed when I shall add, that through all the variety of
miseries that had to this day befallen me, I never had so much as one
thought of it being the hand of God, or that it was a just punishment
for my sin—my rebellious behaviour against my father—or my present
sins, which were great—or so much as a punishment for the general
course of my wicked life. When I was on the desperate expedition on the
desert shores of Africa, I never had so much as one thought of what
would become of me, or one wish to God to direct me whither I should
go, or to keep me from the danger which apparently surrounded me, as
well from voracious creatures as cruel savages. But I was merely
thoughtless of a God or a Providence, acted like a mere brute, from the
principles of nature, and by the dictates of common sense only, and,
indeed, hardly that. When I was delivered and taken up at sea by the
Portugal captain, well used, and dealt justly and honourably with, as
well as charitably, I had not the least thankfulness in my thoughts.
When, again, I was shipwrecked, ruined, and in danger of drowning on
this island, I was as far from remorse, or looking on it as a judgment.
I only said to myself often, that I was an unfortunate dog, and born to
be always miserable.

It is true, when I got on shore first here, and found all my ship’s
crew drowned and myself spared, I was surprised with a kind of ecstasy,
and some transports of soul, which, had the grace of God assisted,
might have come up to true thankfulness; but it ended where it began,
in a mere common flight of joy, or, as I may say, being glad I was
alive, without the least reflection upon the distinguished goodness of
the hand which had preserved me, and had singled me out to be preserved
when all the rest were destroyed, or an inquiry why Providence had been
thus merciful unto me. Even just the same common sort of joy which
seamen generally have, after they are got safe ashore from a shipwreck,
which they drown all in the next bowl of punch, and forget almost as
soon as it is over; and all the rest of my life was like it. Even when
I was afterwards, on due consideration, made sensible of my condition,
how I was cast on this dreadful place, out of the reach of human kind,
out of all hope of relief, or prospect of redemption, as soon as I saw
but a prospect of living and that I should not starve and perish for
hunger, all the sense of my affliction wore off; and I began to be very
easy, applied myself to the works proper for my preservation and
supply, and was far enough from being afflicted at my condition, as a
judgment from heaven, or as the hand of God against me: these were
thoughts which very seldom entered my head.

The growing up of the corn, as is hinted in my Journal, had at first
some little influence upon me, and began to affect me with seriousness,
as long as I thought it had something miraculous in it; but as soon as
ever that part of the thought was removed, all the impression that was
raised from it wore off also, as I have noted already. Even the
earthquake, though nothing could be more terrible in its nature, or
more immediately directing to the invisible Power which alone directs
such things, yet no sooner was the first fright over, but the
impression it had made went off also. I had no more sense of God or His
judgments—much less of the present affliction of my circumstances being
from His hand—than if I had been in the most prosperous condition of
life. But now, when I began to be sick, and a leisurely view of the
miseries of death came to place itself before me; when my spirits began
to sink under the burden of a strong distemper, and nature was
exhausted with the violence of the fever; conscience, that had slept so
long, began to awake, and I began to reproach myself with my past life,
in which I had so evidently, by uncommon wickedness, provoked the
justice of God to lay me under uncommon strokes, and to deal with me in
so vindictive a manner. These reflections oppressed me for the second
or third day of my distemper; and in the violence, as well of the fever
as of the dreadful reproaches of my conscience, extorted some words
from me like praying to God, though I cannot say they were either a
prayer attended with desires or with hopes: it was rather the voice of
mere fright and distress. My thoughts were confused, the convictions
great upon my mind, and the horror of dying in such a miserable
condition raised vapours into my head with the mere apprehensions; and
in these hurries of my soul I knew not what my tongue might express.
But it was rather exclamation, such as, “Lord, what a miserable
creature am I! If I should be sick, I shall certainly die for want of
help; and what will become of me!” Then the tears burst out of my eyes,
and I could say no more for a good while. In this interval the good
advice of my father came to my mind, and presently his prediction,
which I mentioned at the beginning of this story—viz. that if I did
take this foolish step, God would not bless me, and I would have
leisure hereafter to reflect upon having neglected his counsel when
there might be none to assist in my recovery. “Now,” said I, aloud, “my
dear father’s words are come to pass; God’s justice has overtaken me,
and I have none to help or hear me. I rejected the voice of Providence,
which had mercifully put me in a posture or station of life wherein I
might have been happy and easy; but I would neither see it myself nor
learn to know the blessing of it from my parents. I left them to mourn
over my folly, and now I am left to mourn under the consequences of it.
I abused their help and assistance, who would have lifted me in the
world, and would have made everything easy to me; and now I have
difficulties to struggle with, too great for even nature itself to
support, and no assistance, no help, no comfort, no advice.” Then I
cried out, “Lord, be my help, for I am in great distress.” This was the
first prayer, if I may call it so, that I had made for many years.

But to return to my Journal.

June 28.—Having been somewhat refreshed with the sleep I had had, and
the fit being entirely off, I got up; and though the fright and terror
of my dream was very great, yet I considered that the fit of the ague
would return again the next day, and now was my time to get something
to refresh and support myself when I should be ill; and the first thing
I did, I filled a large square case-bottle with water, and set it upon
my table, in reach of my bed; and to take off the chill or aguish
disposition of the water, I put about a quarter of a pint of rum into
it, and mixed them together. Then I got me a piece of the goat’s flesh
and broiled it on the coals, but could eat very little. I walked about,
but was very weak, and withal very sad and heavy-hearted under a sense
of my miserable condition, dreading, the return of my distemper the
next day. At night I made my supper of three of the turtle’s eggs,
which I roasted in the ashes, and ate, as we call it, in the shell, and
this was the first bit of meat I had ever asked God’s blessing to, that
I could remember, in my whole life. After I had eaten I tried to walk,
but found myself so weak that I could hardly carry a gun, for I never
went out without that; so I went but a little way, and sat down upon
the ground, looking out upon the sea, which was just before me, and
very calm and smooth. As I sat here some such thoughts as these
occurred to me: What is this earth and sea, of which I have seen so
much? Whence is it produced? And what am I, and all the other creatures
wild and tame, human and brutal? Whence are we? Sure we are all made by
some secret Power, who formed the earth and sea, the air and sky. And
who is that? Then it followed most naturally, it is God that has made
all. Well, but then it came on strangely, if God has made all these
things, He guides and governs them all, and all things that concern
them; for the Power that could make all things must certainly have
power to guide and direct them. If so, nothing can happen in the great
circuit of His works, either without His knowledge or appointment.

And if nothing happens without His knowledge, He knows that I am here,
and am in this dreadful condition; and if nothing happens without His
appointment, He has appointed all this to befall me. Nothing occurred
to my thought to contradict any of these conclusions, and therefore it
rested upon me with the greater force, that it must needs be that God
had appointed all this to befall me; that I was brought into this
miserable circumstance by His direction, He having the sole power, not
of me only, but of everything that happened in the world. Immediately
it followed: Why has God done this to me? What have I done to be thus
used? My conscience presently checked me in that inquiry, as if I had
blasphemed, and methought it spoke to me like a voice: “Wretch! dost
thou ask what thou hast done? Look back upon a dreadful misspent
life, and ask thyself what thou hast not done? Ask, why is it that
thou wert not long ago destroyed? Why wert thou not drowned in Yarmouth
Roads; killed in the fight when the ship was taken by the Sallee
man-of-war; devoured by the wild beasts on the coast of Africa; or
drowned here, when all the crew perished but thyself? Dost thou
ask, what have I done?” I was struck dumb with these reflections, as
one astonished, and had not a word to say—no, not to answer to myself,
but rose up pensive and sad, walked back to my retreat, and went up
over my wall, as if I had been going to bed; but my thoughts were sadly
disturbed, and I had no inclination to sleep; so I sat down in my
chair, and lighted my lamp, for it began to be dark. Now, as the
apprehension of the return of my distemper terrified me very much, it
occurred to my thought that the Brazilians take no physic but their
tobacco for almost all distempers, and I had a piece of a roll of
tobacco in one of the chests, which was quite cured, and some also that
was green, and not quite cured.

I went, directed by Heaven no doubt; for in this chest I found a cure
both for soul and body. I opened the chest, and found what I looked
for, the tobacco; and as the few books I had saved lay there too, I
took out one of the Bibles which I mentioned before, and which to this
time I had not found leisure or inclination to look into. I say, I took
it out, and brought both that and the tobacco with me to the table.
What use to make of the tobacco I knew not, in my distemper, or whether
it was good for it or no: but I tried several experiments with it, as
if I was resolved it should hit one way or other. I first took a piece
of leaf, and chewed it in my mouth, which, indeed, at first almost
stupefied my brain, the tobacco being green and strong, and that I had
not been much used to. Then I took some and steeped it an hour or two
in some rum, and resolved to take a dose of it when I lay down; and
lastly, I burnt some upon a pan of coals, and held my nose close over
the smoke of it as long as I could bear it, as well for the heat as
almost for suffocation. In the interval of this operation I took up the
Bible and began to read; but my head was too much disturbed with the
tobacco to bear reading, at least at that time; only, having opened the
book casually, the first words that occurred to me were these, “Call on
Me in the day of trouble, and I will deliver thee, and thou shalt
glorify Me.” These words were very apt to my case, and made some
impression upon my thoughts at the time of reading them, though not so
much as they did afterwards; for, as for being delivered, the word
had no sound, as I may say, to me; the thing was so remote, so
impossible in my apprehension of things, that I began to say, as the
children of Israel did when they were promised flesh to eat, “Can God
spread a table in the wilderness?” so I began to say, “Can God Himself
deliver me from this place?” And as it was not for many years that any
hopes appeared, this prevailed very often upon my thoughts; but,
however, the words made a great impression upon me, and I mused upon
them very often. It grew now late, and the tobacco had, as I said,
dozed my head so much that I inclined to sleep; so I left my lamp
burning in the cave, lest I should want anything in the night, and went
to bed. But before I lay down, I did what I never had done in all my
life—I kneeled down, and prayed to God to fulfil the promise to me,
that if I called upon Him in the day of trouble, He would deliver me.
After my broken and imperfect prayer was over, I drank the rum in which
I had steeped the tobacco, which was so strong and rank of the tobacco
that I could scarcely get it down; immediately upon this I went to bed.
I found presently it flew up into my head violently; but I fell into a
sound sleep, and waked no more till, by the sun, it must necessarily be
near three o’clock in the afternoon the next day—nay, to this hour I am
partly of opinion that I slept all the next day and night, and till
almost three the day after; for otherwise I know not how I should lose
a day out of my reckoning in the days of the week, as it appeared some
years after I had done; for if I had lost it by crossing and recrossing
the line, I should have lost more than one day; but certainly I lost a
day in my account, and never knew which way. Be that, however, one way
or the other, when I awaked I found myself exceedingly refreshed, and
my spirits lively and cheerful; when I got up I was stronger than I was
the day before, and my stomach better, for I was hungry; and, in short,
I had no fit the next day, but continued much altered for the better.
This was the 29th.

The 30th was my well day, of course, and I went abroad with my gun, but
did not care to travel too far. I killed a sea-fowl or two, something
like a brandgoose, and brought them home, but was not very forward to
eat them; so I ate some more of the turtle’s eggs, which were very
good. This evening I renewed the medicine, which I had supposed did me
good the day before—the tobacco steeped in rum; only I did not take so
much as before, nor did I chew any of the leaf, or hold my head over
the smoke; however, I was not so well the next day, which was the first
of July, as I hoped I should have been; for I had a little spice of the
cold fit, but it was not much.

July 2.—I renewed the medicine all the three ways; and dosed myself
with it as at first, and doubled the quantity which I drank.

July 3.—I missed the fit for good and all, though I did not recover
my full strength for some weeks after. While I was thus gathering
strength, my thoughts ran exceedingly upon this Scripture, “I will
deliver thee”; and the impossibility of my deliverance lay much upon my
mind, in bar of my ever expecting it; but as I was discouraging myself
with such thoughts, it occurred to my mind that I pored so much upon my
deliverance from the main affliction, that I disregarded the
deliverance I had received, and I was as it were made to ask myself
such questions as these—viz. Have I not been delivered, and wonderfully
too, from sickness—from the most distressed condition that could be,
and that was so frightful to me? and what notice had I taken of it? Had
I done my part? God had delivered me, but I had not glorified Him—that
is to say, I had not owned and been thankful for that as a deliverance;
and how could I expect greater deliverance? This touched my heart very
much; and immediately I knelt down and gave God thanks aloud for my
recovery from my sickness.

July 4.—In the morning I took the Bible; and beginning at the New
Testament, I began seriously to read it, and imposed upon myself to
read a while every morning and every night; not tying myself to the
number of chapters, but long as my thoughts should engage me. It was
not long after I set seriously to this work till I found my heart more
deeply and sincerely affected with the wickedness of my past life. The
impression of my dream revived; and the words, “All these things have
not brought thee to repentance,” ran seriously through my thoughts. I
was earnestly begging of God to give me repentance, when it happened
providentially, the very day, that, reading the Scripture, I came to
these words: “He is exalted a Prince and a Saviour, to give repentance
and to give remission.” I threw down the book; and with my heart as
well as my hands lifted up to heaven, in a kind of ecstasy of joy, I
cried out aloud, “Jesus, thou son of David! Jesus, thou exalted Prince
and Saviour! give me repentance!” This was the first time I could say,
in the true sense of the words, that I prayed in all my life; for now I
prayed with a sense of my condition, and a true Scripture view of hope,
founded on the encouragement of the Word of God; and from this time, I
may say, I began to hope that God would hear me.

Now I began to construe the words mentioned above, “Call on Me, and I
will deliver thee,” in a different sense from what I had ever done
before; for then I had no notion of anything being called
deliverance, but my being delivered from the captivity I was in; for
though I was indeed at large in the place, yet the island was certainly
a prison to me, and that in the worse sense in the world. But now I
learned to take it in another sense: now I looked back upon my past
life with such horror, and my sins appeared so dreadful, that my soul
sought nothing of God but deliverance from the load of guilt that bore
down all my comfort. As for my solitary life, it was nothing. I did not
so much as pray to be delivered from it or think of it; it was all of
no consideration in comparison to this. And I add this part here, to
hint to whoever shall read it, that whenever they come to a true sense
of things, they will find deliverance from sin a much greater blessing
than deliverance from affliction.

But, leaving this part, I return to my Journal.

My condition began now to be, though not less miserable as to my way of
living, yet much easier to my mind: and my thoughts being directed, by
a constant reading the Scripture and praying to God, to things of a
higher nature, I had a great deal of comfort within, which till now I
knew nothing of; also, my health and strength returned, I bestirred
myself to furnish myself with everything that I wanted, and make my way
of living as regular as I could.

From the 4th of July to the 14th I was chiefly employed in walking
about with my gun in my hand, a little and a little at a time, as a man
that was gathering up his strength after a fit of sickness; for it is
hardly to be imagined how low I was, and to what weakness I was
reduced. The application which I made use of was perfectly new, and
perhaps which had never cured an ague before; neither can I recommend
it to any to practise, by this experiment: and though it did carry off
the fit, yet it rather contributed to weakening me; for I had frequent
convulsions in my nerves and limbs for some time. I learned from it
also this, in particular, that being abroad in the rainy season was the
most pernicious thing to my health that could be, especially in those
rains which came attended with storms and hurricanes of wind; for as
the rain which came in the dry season was almost always accompanied
with such storms, so I found that rain was much more dangerous than the
rain which fell in September and October.