Tess of the d'Urbervilles

LIV

By the disclosure in the barn her thoughts were led anew in the
direction which they had taken more than once of late—to the distant
Emminster Vicarage. It was through her husband’s parents that she had
been charged to send a letter to Clare if she desired; and to write to
them direct if in difficulty. But that sense of her having morally no
claim upon him had always led Tess to suspend her impulse to send these
notes; and to the family at the Vicarage, therefore, as to her own
parents since her marriage, she was virtually non-existent. This
self-effacement in both directions had been quite in consonance with
her independent character of desiring nothing by way of favour or pity
to which she was not entitled on a fair consideration of her deserts.
She had set herself to stand or fall by her qualities, and to waive
such merely technical claims upon a strange family as had been
established for her by the flimsy fact of a member of that family, in a
season of impulse, writing his name in a church-book beside hers.

But now that she was stung to a fever by Izz’s tale, there was a limit
to her powers of renunciation. Why had her husband not written to her?
He had distinctly implied that he would at least let her know of the
locality to which he had journeyed; but he had not sent a line to
notify his address. Was he really indifferent? But was he ill? Was it
for her to make some advance? Surely she might summon the courage of
solicitude, call at the Vicarage for intelligence, and express her
grief at his silence. If Angel’s father were the good man she had heard
him represented to be, he would be able to enter into her heart-starved
situation. Her social hardships she could conceal.

To leave the farm on a week-day was not in her power; Sunday was the
only possible opportunity. Flintcomb-Ash being in the middle of the
cretaceous tableland over which no railway had climbed as yet, it would
be necessary to walk. And the distance being fifteen miles each way she
would have to allow herself a long day for the undertaking by rising
early.

A fortnight later, when the snow had gone, and had been followed by a
hard black frost, she took advantage of the state of the roads to try
the experiment. At four o’clock that Sunday morning she came downstairs
and stepped out into the starlight. The weather was still favourable,
the ground ringing under her feet like an anvil.

Marian and Izz were much interested in her excursion, knowing that the
journey concerned her husband. Their lodgings were in a cottage a
little further along the lane, but they came and assisted Tess in her
departure, and argued that she should dress up in her very prettiest
guise to captivate the hearts of her parents-in-law; though she,
knowing of the austere and Calvinistic tenets of old Mr Clare, was
indifferent, and even doubtful. A year had now elapsed since her sad
marriage, but she had preserved sufficient draperies from the wreck of
her then full wardrobe to clothe her very charmingly as a simple
country girl with no pretensions to recent fashion; a soft gray woollen
gown, with white crape quilling against the pink skin of her face and
neck, and a black velvet jacket and hat.

“’Tis a thousand pities your husband can’t see ’ee now—you do look a
real beauty!” said Izz Huett, regarding Tess as she stood on the
threshold between the steely starlight without and the yellow
candlelight within. Izz spoke with a magnanimous abandonment of herself
to the situation; she could not be—no woman with a heart bigger than a
hazel-nut could be—antagonistic to Tess in her presence, the influence
which she exercised over those of her own sex being of a warmth and
strength quite unusual, curiously overpowering the less worthy feminine
feelings of spite and rivalry.

With a final tug and touch here, and a slight brush there, they let her
go; and she was absorbed into the pearly air of the fore-dawn. They
heard her footsteps tap along the hard road as she stepped out to her
full pace. Even Izz hoped she would win, and, though without any
particular respect for her own virtue, felt glad that she had been
prevented wronging her friend when momentarily tempted by Clare.

It was a year ago, all but a day, that Clare had married Tess, and only
a few days less than a year that he had been absent from her. Still, to
start on a brisk walk, and on such an errand as hers, on a dry clear
wintry morning, through the rarefied air of these chalky hogs’-backs,
was not depressing; and there is no doubt that her dream at starting
was to win the heart of her mother-in-law, tell her whole history to
that lady, enlist her on her side, and so gain back the truant.

In time she reached the edge of the vast escarpment below which
stretched the loamy Vale of Blackmoor, now lying misty and still in the
dawn. Instead of the colourless air of the uplands, the atmosphere down
there was a deep blue. Instead of the great enclosures of a hundred
acres in which she was now accustomed to toil, there were little fields
below her of less than half-a-dozen acres, so numerous that they looked
from this height like the meshes of a net. Here the landscape was
whitey-brown; down there, as in Froom Valley, it was always green. Yet
it was in that vale that her sorrow had taken shape, and she did not
love it as formerly. Beauty to her, as to all who have felt, lay not in
the thing, but in what the thing symbolized.

Keeping the Vale on her right, she steered steadily westward; passing
above the Hintocks, crossing at right-angles the high-road from
Sherton-Abbas to Casterbridge, and skirting Dogbury Hill and High-Stoy,
with the dell between them called “The Devil’s Kitchen”. Still
following the elevated way she reached Cross-in-Hand, where the stone
pillar stands desolate and silent, to mark the site of a miracle, or
murder, or both. Three miles further she cut across the straight and
deserted Roman road called Long-Ash Lane; leaving which as soon as she
reached it she dipped down a hill by a transverse lane into the small
town or village of Evershead, being now about halfway over the
distance. She made a halt here, and breakfasted a second time, heartily
enough—not at the Sow-and-Acorn, for she avoided inns, but at a cottage
by the church.

The second half of her journey was through a more gentle country, by
way of Benvill Lane. But as the mileage lessened between her and the
spot of her pilgrimage, so did Tess’s confidence decrease, and her
enterprise loom out more formidably. She saw her purpose in such
staring lines, and the landscape so faintly, that she was sometimes in
danger of losing her way. However, about noon she paused by a gate on
the edge of the basin in which Emminster and its Vicarage lay.

The square tower, beneath which she knew that at that moment the Vicar
and his congregation were gathered, had a severe look in her eyes. She
wished that she had somehow contrived to come on a week-day. Such a
good man might be prejudiced against a woman who had chosen Sunday,
never realizing the necessities of her case. But it was incumbent upon
her to go on now. She took off the thick boots in which she had walked
thus far, put on her pretty thin ones of patent leather, and, stuffing
the former into the hedge by the gatepost where she might readily find
them again, descended the hill; the freshness of colour she had derived
from the keen air thinning away in spite of her as she drew near the
parsonage.

Tess hoped for some accident that might favour her, but nothing
favoured her. The shrubs on the Vicarage lawn rustled uncomfortably in
the frosty breeze; she could not feel by any stretch of imagination,
dressed to her highest as she was, that the house was the residence of
near relations; and yet nothing essential, in nature or emotion,
divided her from them: in pains, pleasures, thoughts, birth, death, and
after-death, they were the same.

She nerved herself by an effort, entered the swing-gate, and rang the
door-bell. The thing was done; there could be no retreat. No; the thing
was not done. Nobody answered to her ringing. The effort had to be
risen to and made again. She rang a second time, and the agitation of
the act, coupled with her weariness after the fifteen miles’ walk, led
her to support herself while she waited by resting her hand on her hip
and her elbow against the wall of the porch. The wind was so nipping
that the ivy-leaves had become wizened and gray, each tapping
incessantly upon its neighbour with a disquieting stir of her nerves. A
piece of blood-stained paper, caught up from some meat-buyer’s
dust-heap, beat up and down the road without the gate; too flimsy to
rest, too heavy to fly away; and a few straws kept it company.

The second peal had been louder, and still nobody came. Then she walked
out of the porch, opened the gate, and passed through. And though she
looked dubiously at the house-front as if inclined to return, it was
with a breath of relief that she closed the gate. A feeling haunted her
that she might have been recognized (though how she could not tell),
and orders been given not to admit her.

Tess went as far as the corner. She had done all she could do; but
determined not to escape present trepidation at the expense of future
distress, she walked back again quite past the house, looking up at all
the windows.

Ah—the explanation was that they were all at church, every one. She
remembered her husband saying that his father always insisted upon the
household, servants included, going to morning-service, and, as a
consequence, eating cold food when they came home. It was, therefore,
only necessary to wait till the service was over. She would not make
herself conspicuous by waiting on the spot, and she started to get past
the church into the lane. But as she reached the churchyard-gate the
people began pouring out, and Tess found herself in the midst of them.

The Emminster congregation looked at her as only a congregation of
small country-townsfolk walking home at its leisure can look at a woman
out of the common whom it perceives to be a stranger. She quickened her
pace, and ascended the road by which she had come, to find a retreat
between its hedges till the Vicar’s family should have lunched, and it
might be convenient for them to receive her. She soon distanced the
churchgoers, except two youngish men, who, linked arm-in-arm, were
beating up behind her at a quick step.

As they drew nearer she could hear their voices engaged in earnest
discourse, and, with the natural quickness of a woman in her situation,
did not fail to recognize in those noises the quality of her husband’s
tones. The pedestrians were his two brothers. Forgetting all her plans,
Tess’s one dread was lest they should overtake her now, in her
disorganized condition, before she was prepared to confront them; for
though she felt that they could not identify her, she instinctively
dreaded their scrutiny. The more briskly they walked, the more briskly
walked she. They were plainly bent upon taking a short quick stroll
before going indoors to lunch or dinner, to restore warmth to limbs
chilled with sitting through a long service.

Only one person had preceded Tess up the hill—a ladylike young woman,
somewhat interesting, though, perhaps, a trifle guindée and prudish.
Tess had nearly overtaken her when the speed of her brothers-in-law
brought them so nearly behind her back that she could hear every word
of their conversation. They said nothing, however, which particularly
interested her till, observing the young lady still further in front,
one of them remarked, “There is Mercy Chant. Let us overtake her.”

Tess knew the name. It was the woman who had been destined for Angel’s
life-companion by his and her parents, and whom he probably would have
married but for her intrusive self. She would have known as much
without previous information if she had waited a moment, for one of the
brothers proceeded to say: “Ah! poor Angel, poor Angel! I never see
that nice girl without more and more regretting his precipitancy in
throwing himself away upon a dairymaid, or whatever she may be. It is a
queer business, apparently. Whether she has joined him yet or not I
don’t know; but she had not done so some months ago when I heard from
him.”

“I can’t say. He never tells me anything nowadays. His ill-considered
marriage seems to have completed that estrangement from me which was
begun by his extraordinary opinions.”

Tess beat up the long hill still faster; but she could not outwalk them
without exciting notice. At last they outsped her altogether, and
passed her by. The young lady still further ahead heard their footsteps
and turned. Then there was a greeting and a shaking of hands, and the
three went on together.

They soon reached the summit of the hill, and, evidently intending this
point to be the limit of their promenade, slackened pace and turned all
three aside to the gate whereat Tess had paused an hour before that
time to reconnoitre the town before descending into it. During their
discourse one of the clerical brothers probed the hedge carefully with
his umbrella, and dragged something to light.

“Here’s a pair of old boots,” he said. “Thrown away, I suppose, by some
tramp or other.”

“Some imposter who wished to come into the town barefoot, perhaps, and
so excite our sympathies,” said Miss Chant. “Yes, it must have been,
for they are excellent walking-boots—by no means worn out. What a
wicked thing to do! I’ll carry them home for some poor person.”

Cuthbert Clare, who had been the one to find them, picked them up for
her with the crook of his stick; and Tess’s boots were appropriated.

She, who had heard this, walked past under the screen of her woollen
veil till, presently looking back, she perceived that the church party
had left the gate with her boots and retreated down the hill.

Thereupon our heroine resumed her walk. Tears, blinding tears, were
running down her face. She knew that it was all sentiment, all baseless
impressibility, which had caused her to read the scene as her own
condemnation; nevertheless she could not get over it; she could not
contravene in her own defenceless person all those untoward omens. It
was impossible to think of returning to the Vicarage. Angel’s wife felt
almost as if she had been hounded up that hill like a scorned thing by
those—to her—superfine clerics. Innocently as the slight had been
inflicted, it was somewhat unfortunate that she had encountered the
sons and not the father, who, despite his narrowness, was far less
starched and ironed than they, and had to the full the gift of charity.
As she again thought of her dusty boots she almost pitied those
habiliments for the quizzing to which they had been subjected, and felt
how hopeless life was for their owner.

“Ah!” she said, still sighing in pity of herself, “they didn’t know
that I wore those over the roughest part of the road to save these
pretty ones he bought for me—no—they did not know it! And they didn’t
think that he chose the colour o’ my pretty frock—no—how could they?
If they had known perhaps they would not have cared, for they don’t
care much for him, poor thing!”

Then she grieved for the beloved man whose conventional standard of
judgement had caused her all these latter sorrows; and she went her way
without knowing that the greatest misfortune of her life was this
feminine loss of courage at the last and critical moment through her
estimating her father-in-law by his sons. Her present condition was
precisely one which would have enlisted the sympathies of old Mr and
Mrs Clare. Their hearts went out of them at a bound towards extreme
cases, when the subtle mental troubles of the less desperate among
mankind failed to win their interest or regard. In jumping at Publicans
and Sinners they would forget that a word might be said for the worries
of Scribes and Pharisees; and this defect or limitation might have
recommended their own daughter-in-law to them at this moment as a
fairly choice sort of lost person for their love.

Thereupon she began to plod back along the road by which she had come
not altogether full of hope, but full of a conviction that a crisis in
her life was approaching. No crisis, apparently, had supervened; and
there was nothing left for her to do but to continue upon that
starve-acre farm till she could again summon courage to face the
Vicarage. She did, indeed, take sufficient interest in herself to throw
up her veil on this return journey, as if to let the world see that she
could at least exhibit a face such as Mercy Chant could not show. But
it was done with a sorry shake of the head. “It is nothing—it is
nothing!” she said. “Nobody loves it; nobody sees it. Who cares about
the looks of a castaway like me!”

Her journey back was rather a meander than a march. It had no
sprightliness, no purpose; only a tendency. Along the tedious length of
Benvill Lane she began to grow tired, and she leant upon gates and
paused by milestones.

She did not enter any house till, at the seventh or eighth mile, she
descended the steep long hill below which lay the village or townlet of
Evershead, where in the morning she had breakfasted with such
contrasting expectations. The cottage by the church, in which she again
sat down, was almost the first at that end of the village, and while
the woman fetched her some milk from the pantry, Tess, looking down the
street, perceived that the place seemed quite deserted.

“The people are gone to afternoon service, I suppose?” she said.

“No, my dear,” said the old woman. “’Tis too soon for that; the bells
hain’t strook out yet. They be all gone to hear the preaching in yonder
barn. A ranter preaches there between the services—an excellent, fiery,
Christian man, they say. But, Lord, I don’t go to hear’n! What comes in
the regular way over the pulpit is hot enough for I.”

Tess soon went onward into the village, her footsteps echoing against
the houses as though it were a place of the dead. Nearing the central
part, her echoes were intruded on by other sounds; and seeing the barn
not far off the road, she guessed these to be the utterances of the
preacher.

His voice became so distinct in the still clear air that she could soon
catch his sentences, though she was on the closed side of the barn. The
sermon, as might be expected, was of the extremest antinomian type; on
justification by faith, as expounded in the theology of St Paul. This
fixed idea of the rhapsodist was delivered with animated enthusiasm, in
a manner entirely declamatory, for he had plainly no skill as a
dialectician. Although Tess had not heard the beginning of the address,
she learnt what the text had been from its constant iteration—

“O foolish Galatians, who hath bewitched you, that ye should not
obey the truth, before whose eyes Jesus Christ hath been evidently
set forth, crucified among you?”

Tess was all the more interested, as she stood listening behind, in
finding that the preacher’s doctrine was a vehement form of the view of
Angel’s father, and her interest intensified when the speaker began to
detail his own spiritual experiences of how he had come by those views.
He had, he said, been the greatest of sinners. He had scoffed; he had
wantonly associated with the reckless and the lewd. But a day of
awakening had come, and, in a human sense, it had been brought about
mainly by the influence of a certain clergyman, whom he had at first
grossly insulted; but whose parting words had sunk into his heart, and
had remained there, till by the grace of Heaven they had worked this
change in him, and made him what they saw him.

But more startling to Tess than the doctrine had been the voice, which,
impossible as it seemed, was precisely that of Alec d’Urberville. Her
face fixed in painful suspense, she came round to the front of the
barn, and passed before it. The low winter sun beamed directly upon the
great double-doored entrance on this side; one of the doors being open,
so that the rays stretched far in over the threshing-floor to the
preacher and his audience, all snugly sheltered from the northern
breeze. The listeners were entirely villagers, among them being the man
whom she had seen carrying the red paint-pot on a former memorable
occasion. But her attention was given to the central figure, who stood
upon some sacks of corn, facing the people and the door. The three
o’clock sun shone full upon him, and the strange enervating conviction
that her seducer confronted her, which had been gaining ground in Tess
ever since she had heard his words distinctly, was at last established
as a fact indeed.

End of Phase the Fifth

Phase the Sixth:

The Convert