The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

eb. 18, 1822.—Early this morning Arthur mounted his hunter and set off
in high glee to meet the —— hounds. He will be away all day, and so I
will amuse myself with my neglected diary, if I can give that name to
such an irregular composition. It is exactly four months since I opened
it last.

I am married now, and settled down as Mrs. Huntingdon of Grassdale
Manor. I have had eight weeks’ experience of matrimony. And do I regret
the step I have taken? No, though I must confess, in my secret heart,
that Arthur is not what I thought him at first, and if I had known him
in the beginning as thoroughly as I do now, I probably never should
have loved him, and if I loved him first, and then made the discovery,
I fear I should have thought it my duty not to have married him. To be
sure I might have known him, for every one was willing enough to tell
me about him, and he himself was no accomplished hypocrite, but I was
wilfully blind; and now, instead of regretting that I did not discern
his full character before I was indissolubly bound to him, I am glad,
for it has saved me a great deal of battling with my conscience, and a
great deal of consequent trouble and pain; and, whatever I ought to
have done, my duty now is plainly to love him and to cleave to him, and
this just tallies with my inclination.

He is very fond of me, almost too fond. I could do with less
caressing and more rationality. I should like to be less of a pet and
more of a friend, if I might choose; but I won’t complain of that: I am
only afraid his affection loses in depth where it gains in ardour. I
sometimes liken it to a fire of dry twigs and branches compared with
one of solid coal, very bright and hot; but if it should burn itself
out and leave nothing but ashes behind, what shall I do? But it won’t,
it shan’t, I am determined; and surely I have power to keep it alive.
So let me dismiss that thought at once. But Arthur is selfish; I am
constrained to acknowledge that; and, indeed, the admission gives me
less pain than might be expected, for, since I love him so much, I
can easily forgive him for loving himself: he likes to be pleased, and
it is my delight to please him; and when I regret this tendency of his,
it is for his own sake, not for mine.

The first instance he gave was on the occasion of our bridal tour. He
wanted to hurry it over, for all the continental scenes were already
familiar to him: many had lost their interest in his eyes, and others
had never had anything to lose. The consequence was, that after a
flying transit through part of France and part of Italy, I came back
nearly as ignorant as I went, having made no acquaintance with persons
and manners, and very little with things, my head swarming with a
motley confusion of objects and scenes; some, it is true, leaving a
deeper and more pleasing impression than others, but these embittered
by the recollection that my emotions had not been shared by my
companion, but that, on the contrary, when I had expressed a particular
interest in anything that I saw or desired to see, it had been
displeasing to him, inasmuch as it proved that I could take delight in
anything disconnected with himself.

[Illustration]

As for Paris, we only just touched at that, and he would not give me
time to see one-tenth of the beauties and interesting objects of Rome.
He wanted to get me home, he said, to have me all to himself, and to
see me safely installed as the mistress of Grassdale Manor, just as
single-minded, as naïve, and piquante as I was; and as if I had been
some frail butterfly, he expressed himself fearful of rubbing the
silver off my wings by bringing me into contact with society,
especially that of Paris and Rome; and, more-over, he did not scruple
to tell me that there were ladies in both places that would tear his
eyes out if they happened to meet him with me.

Of course I was vexed at all this; but still it was less the
disappointment to myself that annoyed me, than the disappointment in
him, and the trouble I was at to frame excuses to my friends for
having seen and observed so little, without imputing one particle of
blame to my companion. But when we got home—to my new, delightful
home—I was so happy and he was so kind that I freely forgave him all;
and I was beginning to think my lot too happy, and my husband
actually too good for me, if not too good for this world, when, on the
second Sunday after our arrival, he shocked and horrified me by another
instance of his unreasonable exaction. We were walking home from the
morning service, for it was a fine frosty day, and as we are so near
the church, I had requested the carriage should not be used.

“Helen,” said he, with unusual gravity, “I am not quite satisfied with
you.”

I desired to know what was wrong.

“But will you promise to reform if I tell you?”

“Yes, if I can, and without offending a higher authority.”

“Ah! there it is, you see: you don’t love me with all your heart.”

“I don’t understand you, Arthur (at least I hope I don’t): pray tell me
what I have done or said amiss.”

“It is nothing you have done or said; it is something that you are:
you are too religious. Now I like a woman to be religious, and I think
your piety one of your greatest charms; but then, like all other good
things, it may be carried too far. To my thinking, a woman’s religion
ought not to lessen her devotion to her earthly lord. She should have
enough to purify and etherealise her soul, but not enough to refine
away her heart, and raise her above all human sympathies.”

“And am I above all human sympathies?” said I.

“No, darling; but you are making more progress towards that saintly
condition than I like; for all these two hours I have been thinking of
you and wanting to catch your eye, and you were so absorbed in your
devotions that you had not even a glance to spare for me—I declare it
is enough to make one jealous of one’s Maker—which is very wrong, you
know; so don’t excite such wicked passions again, for my soul’s sake.”

“I will give my whole heart and soul to my Maker if I can,” I answered,
“and not one atom more of it to you than He allows. What are you,
sir, that you should set yourself up as a god, and presume to dispute
possession of my heart with Him to whom I owe all I have and all I am,
every blessing I ever did or ever can enjoy—and yourself among the
rest—if you are a blessing, which I am half inclined to doubt.”

“Don’t be so hard upon me, Helen; and don’t pinch my arm so: you are
squeezing your fingers into the bone.”

“Arthur,” continued I, relaxing my hold of his arm, “you don’t love me
half as much as I do you; and yet, if you loved me far less than you
do, I would not complain, provided you loved your Maker more. I should
rejoice to see you at any time so deeply absorbed in your devotions
that you had not a single thought to spare for me. But, indeed, I
should lose nothing by the change, for the more you loved your God the
more deep and pure and true would be your love to me.”

At this he only laughed and kissed my hand, calling me a sweet
enthusiast. Then taking off his hat, he added: “But look here,
Helen—what can a man do with such a head as this?”

The head looked right enough, but when he placed my hand on the top of
it, it sunk in a bed of curls, rather alarmingly low, especially in the
middle.

“You see I was not made to be a saint,” said he, laughing, “If God
meant me to be religious, why didn’t He give me a proper organ of
veneration?”

“You are like the servant,” I replied, “who, instead of employing his
one talent in his master’s service, restored it to him unimproved,
alleging, as an excuse, that he knew him ‘to be a hard man, reaping
where he had not sown, and gathering where he had not strawed.’ Of him
to whom less is given, less will be required, but our utmost exertions
are required of us all. You are not without the capacity of veneration,
and faith and hope, and conscience and reason, and every other
requisite to a Christian’s character, if you choose to employ them; but
all our talents increase in the using, and every faculty, both good and
bad, strengthens by exercise: therefore, if you choose to use the bad,
or those which tend to evil, till they become your masters, and neglect
the good till they dwindle away, you have only yourself to blame. But
you have talents, Arthur—natural endowments both of heart and mind
and temper, such as many a better Christian would be glad to possess,
if you would only employ them in God’s service. I should never expect
to see you a devotee, but it is quite possible to be a good Christian
without ceasing to be a happy, merry-hearted man.”

“You speak like an oracle, Helen, and all you say is indisputably true;
but listen here: I am hungry, and I see before me a good substantial
dinner; I am told that if I abstain from this to-day I shall have a
sumptuous feast to-morrow, consisting of all manner of dainties and
delicacies. Now, in the first place, I should be loth to wait till
to-morrow when I have the means of appeasing my hunger already before
me: in the second place, the solid viands of to-day are more to my
taste than the dainties that are promised me; in the third place, I
don’t see to-morrow’s banquet, and how can I tell that it is not all
a fable, got up by the greasy-faced fellow that is advising me to
abstain in order that he may have all the good victuals to himself? in
the fourth place, this table must be spread for somebody, and, as
Solomon says, ‘Who can eat, or who else can hasten hereunto more than
I?’ and finally, with your leave, I’ll sit down and satisfy my cravings
of to-day, and leave to-morrow to shift for itself—who knows but what I
may secure both this and that?”

“But you are not required to abstain from the substantial dinner of
to-day: you are only advised to partake of these coarser viands in such
moderation as not to incapacitate you from enjoying the choicer banquet
of to-morrow. If, regardless of that counsel, you choose to make a
beast of yourself now, and over-eat and over-drink yourself till you
turn the good victuals into poison, who is to blame if, hereafter,
while you are suffering the torments of yesterday’s gluttony and
drunkenness, you see more temperate men sitting down to enjoy
themselves at that splendid entertainment which you are unable to
taste?”

“Most true, my patron saint; but again, our friend Solomon says, ‘There
is nothing better for a man than to eat and to drink, and to be
merry.’”

“And again,” returned I, “he says, ‘Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth;
and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes:
but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into
judgment.’”

“Well, but, Helen, I’m sure I’ve been very good these last few weeks.
What have you seen amiss in me, and what would you have me to do?”

“Nothing more than you do, Arthur: your actions are all right so far;
but I would have your thoughts changed; I would have you to fortify
yourself against temptation, and not to call evil good, and good evil;
I should wish you to think more deeply, to look further, and aim higher
than you do.”