Noli Me Tángere

he Two Señoras

While Capitan Tiago was gambling on his lásak, Doña Victorina was
taking a walk through the town for the purpose of observing how the
indolent Indians kept their houses and fields. She was dressed as
elegantly as possible with all her ribbons and flowers over her silk
gown, in order to impress the provincials and make them realize what a
distance intervened between them and her sacred person. Giving her arm
to her lame husband, she strutted along the streets amid the wonder
and stupefaction of the natives. Her cousin Linares had remained in
the house.

"What ugly shacks these Indians have!" she began with a grimace. "I
don't see how they can live in them--one must have to be an Indian! And
how rude they are and how proud! They don't take off their hats when
they meet us! Hit them over the head as the curates and the officers
of the Civil Guard do--teach them politeness!"

"And if they hit me back?" asked Dr. De Espadaña.

"That's what you're a man for!"

"B-but, I'm l-lame!"

Doña Victorina was falling into a bad humor. The streets were unpaved
and the train of her gown was covered with dust. Besides, they had met
a number of young women, who, in passing them, had dropped their eyes
and had not admired her rich costume as they should have done. Sinang's
cochero, who was driving Sinang and her cousin in an elegant carriage,
had the impudence to yell "Tabi!" in such a commanding tone that
she had to jump out of the way, and could only protest: "Look at
that brute of a cochero! I'm going to tell his master to train his
servants better."

"Let's go back to the house," she commanded to her husband, who,
fearing a storm, wheeled on his crutch in obedience to her mandate.

They met and exchanged greetings with the alferez. This increased
Doña Victorina's ill humor, for the officer not only did not proffer
any compliment on her costume, but even seemed to stare at it in a
mocking way.

"You ought not to shake hands with a mere alferez," she said to her
husband as the soldier left them. "He scarcely touched his helmet
while you took off your hat. You don't know how to maintain your rank!"

"He's the b-boss here!"

"What do we care for that? We are Indians, perhaps?"

"You're right," he assented, not caring to quarrel. They passed in
front of the officer's dwelling. Doña Consolacion was at the window,
as usual, dressed in flannel and smoking her cigar. As the house was
low, the two señoras measured one another with looks; Doña Victorina
stared while the Muse of the Civil Guard examined her from head to
foot, and then, sticking out her lower lip, turned her head away
and spat on the ground. This used up the last of Doña Victorina's
patience. Leaving her husband without support, she planted herself
in front of the alfereza, trembling with anger from head to foot and
unable to speak. Doña Consolacion slowly turned her head, calmly looked
her over again, and once more spat, this time with greater disdain.

"What's the matter with you, Doña?" she asked.

"Can you tell me, señora, why you look at me so? Are you envious?" Doña
Victorina was at length able to articulate.

"I, envious of you, I, of you?" drawled the Muse. "Yes, I envy you
those frizzes!"

"Come, woman!" pleaded the doctor. "D-don't t-take any n-notice!"

"Let me teach this shameless slattern a lesson," replied his wife,
giving him such a shove that he nearly kissed the ground. Then she
again turned to Doña Consolacion.

"Remember who you're dealing with!" she exclaimed. "Don't think that
I'm a provincial or a soldier's querida! In my house in Manila the
alfereces don't eater, they wait at the door."

"Oho, Excelentísima Señora! Alfereces don't enter, but cripples
do--like that one--ha, ha, ha!"

Had it not been for the rouge, Doña Victorian would have been seen to
blush. She tried to get to her antagonist, but the sentinel stopped
her. In the meantime the street was filling up with a curious crowd.

"Listen, I lower myself talking to you--people of quality--Don't you
want to wash my clothes? I'll pay you well! Do you think that I don't
know that you were a washerwoman?"

Doña Consolacion straightened up furiously; the remark about washing
hurt her. "Do you think that we don't know who you are and what
class of people you belong with? Get out, my husband has already
told me! Señora, I at least have never belonged to more than one,
but you? One must be dying of hunger to take the leavings, the mop
of the whole world!"

This shot found its mark with Doña Victorina. She rolled up her
sleeves, clenched her fists, and gritted her teeth. "Come down,
old sow!" she cried. "I'm going to smash that dirty mouth of
yours! Querida of a battalion, filthy hag!"

The Muse immediately disappeared from the window and was soon seen
running down the stairs flourishing her husband's whip.

Don Tiburcio interposed himself supplicatingly, but they would have
come to blows had not the alferez arrived on the scene.

"Ladies! Don Tiburcio!"

"Train your woman better, buy her some decent clothes, and if you
haven't any money left, rob the people--that's what you've got soldiers
for!" yelled Doña Victorina.

"Here I am, señora! Why doesn't your Excellency smash my mouth? You're
only tongue and spittle, Doña Excelencia!"

"Señora!" cried the alferez furiously to Doña Victorina, "be
thankful that I remember that you're a woman or else I'd kick you to
pieces--frizzes, ribbons, and all!"

"S-señor Alferez!"

"Get out, you quack! You don't wear the pants!"

The women brought into play words and gestures, insults and abuse,
dragging out all the evil that was stored in the recesses of their
minds. Since all four talked at once and said so many things that
might hurt the prestige of certain classes by the truths that were
brought to light, we forbear from recording what they said. The curious
spectators, while they may not have understood all that was said,
got not a little entertainment out of the scene and hoped that the
affair would come to blows. Unfortunately for them, the curate came
along and restored order.

"Señores! Señoras! What a shame! Señor Alferez!"

"What are you doing here, you hypocrite, Carlist!"

"Don Tiburcio, take your wife away! Señora, hold your tongue!"

"Say that to these robbers of the poor!"

Little by little the lexicon of epithets was exhausted, the review
of shamelessness of the two couples completed, and with threats and
insults they gradually drew away from one another. Fray Salvi moved
from one group to the other, giving animation to the scene. Would
that our friend the correspondent had been present!

"This very day we'll go to Manila and see the
Captain-General!" declared the raging Doña Victorina to her
husband. "You're not a man! It's a waste of money to buy trousers
for you!"

"B-but, woman, the g-guards? I'm l-lame!"

"You must challenge him for pistol or sword, or--or--" Doña Victorina
stared fixedly at his false teeth.

"My d-dear, I've never had hold of a--"

But she did not let him finish. With a majestic sweep of her hand
she snatched out his false teeth and trampled them in the street.

Thus, he half-crying and she breathing fire, they reached the
house. Linares was talking with Maria Clara, Sinang, and Victoria, and
as he had heard nothing of the quarrel, became rather uneasy at sight
of his cousins. Maria Clara, lying in an easy-chair among pillows and
wraps, was greatly surprised to see the new physiognomy of her doctor.

"Cousin," began Doña Victorina, "you must challenge the alferez right
away, or--"

"Why?" asked the startled Linares.

"You challenge him right now or else I'll tell everybody here who
you are."

"But, Doña Victorina!"

The three girls exchanged glances.

"You'll see! The alferez has insulted us and said that you are what
you are! His old hag came down with a whip and he, this thing here,
permitted the insult--a man!"

"Abá!" exclaimed Sinang, "they're had a fight and we didn't see it!"

"The alferez smashed the doctor's teeth," observed Victoria.

"This very day we go to Manila. You, you stay here to challenge him
or else I'll tell Don Santiago that all we're told him is a lie,
I'll tell him--"

"But, Doña Victorina, Doña Victorina," interrupted the now pallid
Linares, going up to her, "be calm, don't call up--" Then he added
in a whisper, "Don't be imprudent, especially just now."

At that moment Capitan Tiago came in from the cockpit, sad and
sighing; he had lost his lásak. But Doña Victorina left him no
time to grieve. In a few words but with no lack of strong language
she related what had happened, trying of course to put herself in
the best light possible.

"Linares is going to challenge him, do you hear? If he doesn't, don't
let him marry your daughter, don't you permit it! If he hasn't any
courage, he doesn't deserve Clarita!"

"So you're going to marry this gentleman?" asked Sinang, but her
merry eyes filled with tears. "I knew that you were prudent but not
that you were fickle."

Pale as wax, Maria Clara partly rose and stared with frightened eyes
at her father, at Doña Victorina, at Linares. The latter blushed,
Capitan Tiago dropped his eyes, while the señora went on:

"Clarita, bear this in mind: never marry a man that doesn't wear
trousers. You expose yourself to insults, even from the dogs!"

The girl did not answer her, but turned to her friends and said,
"Help me to my room, I can't walk alone."

By their aid she rose, and with her waist encircled by the round arms
of her friends, resting her marble-like head on the shoulder of the
beautiful Victoria, she went to her chamber.

That same night the married couple gathered their effects together
and presented Capitan Tiago with a bill which amounted to several
thousand pesos. Very early the following day they left for Manila in
his carriage, committing to the bashful Linares the office of avenger.