Gulliver's Travels

everal contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. He
shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of England,
which the author relates to him. The king’s observations thereon.

I used to attend the king’s levee once or twice a week, and had often
seen him under the barber’s hand, which indeed was at first very
terrible to behold; for the razor was almost twice as long as an
ordinary scythe. His majesty, according to the custom of the country,
was only shaved twice a week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me
some of the suds or lather, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the
strongest stumps of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it
like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distances
with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed in
the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife
toward the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a
seasonable supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it
was almost useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so
nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.

And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of my
leisure hours. I desired the queen’s woman to save for me the combings
of her majesty’s hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and
consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general
orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two
chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little
holes with a fine awl, round those parts where I designed the backs and
seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out,
just after the manner of cane chairs in England. When they were
finished, I made a present of them to her majesty; who kept them in her
cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the
wonder of every one that beheld them. The queen would have me sit upon
one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I
would rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those
precious hairs, that once adorned her majesty’s head. Of these hairs
(as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little
purse, about five feet long, with her majesty’s name deciphered in gold
letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the queen’s consent. To say
the truth, it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear
the weight of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it
but some little toys that girls are fond of.

The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to
which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear
them: but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the
tunes. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets of a royal army,
beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My
practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers
sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and
draw the window curtains; after which I found their music not
disagreeable.

I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet.
Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber, and a master attended twice a
week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled
that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came
into my head, that I would entertain the king and queen with an English
tune upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for
the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide,
so that with my arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and
to press them down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which
would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived
was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common
cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the
thicker ends with pieces of a mouse’s skin, that by rapping on them I
might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound.
Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the keys,
and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon it, that way and
this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks,
and made a shift to play a jig, to the great satisfaction of both their
majesties; but it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and
yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently play the
bass and treble together, as other artists do; which was a great
disadvantage to my performance.

The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent
understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my
box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then command me to
bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards
distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a
level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with
him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, “that the contempt
he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem
answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of;
that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the
contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were
usually the least provided with it; that among other animals, bees and
ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many
of the larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I
hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service.” The king
heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of
me than he had ever before. He desired “I would give him as exact an
account of the government of England as I possibly could; because, as
fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for so he
conjectured of other monarchs, by my former discourses), he should be
glad to hear of any thing that might deserve imitation.”

Imagine with thyself, courteous reader, how often I then wished for the
tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to
celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style equal to
its merits and felicity.

I began my discourse by informing his majesty, that our dominions
consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty kingdoms, under
one sovereign, beside our plantations in America. I dwelt long upon the
fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke
at large upon the constitution of an English parliament; partly made up
of an illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the
noblest blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies. I
described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in
arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king
and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the
highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be
champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by
their valour, conduct, and fidelity. That these were the ornament and
bulwark of the kingdom, worthy followers of their most renowned
ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue, from which
their posterity were never once known to degenerate. To these were
joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the title
of bishops, whose peculiar business is to take care of religion, and of
those who instruct the people therein. These were searched and sought
out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors,
among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly distinguished by
the sanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudition; who were
indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy and the people.

That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly called
the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked
and culled out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and
love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And
that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe; to
whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is
committed.

I then descended to the courts of justice; over which the judges, those
venerable sages and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining
the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the
punishment of vice and protection of innocence. I mentioned the prudent
management of our treasury; the valour and achievements of our forces,
by sea and land. I computed the number of our people, by reckoning how
many millions there might be of each religious sect, or political party
among us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other
particular which I thought might redound to the honour of my country.
And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and
events in England for about a hundred years past.

This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several
hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently
taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions
he intended to ask me.

When I had put an end to these long discourses, his majesty, in a sixth
audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries, and
objections, upon every article. He asked, “What methods were used to
cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind
of business they commonly spent the first and teachable parts of their
lives? What course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noble
family became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those who
are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of
money to a court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to
the public interest, ever happened to be the motive in those
advancements? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of
their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide
the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort? Whether
they were always so free from avarice, partialities, or want, that a
bribe, or some other sinister view, could have no place among them?
Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank
upon account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity
of their lives; had never been compliers with the times, while they
were common priests; or slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman,
whose opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were
admitted into that assembly?”

He then desired to know, “What arts were practised in electing those
whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might
not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own
landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbourhood? How
it came to pass, that people were so violently bent upon getting into
this assembly, which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often
to the ruin of their families, without any salary or pension? because
this appeared such an exalted strain of virtue and public spirit, that
his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere.”
And he desired to know, “Whether such zealous gentlemen could have any
views of refunding themselves for the charges and trouble they were at
by sacrificing the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious
prince, in conjunction with a corrupted ministry?” He multiplied his
questions, and sifted me thoroughly upon every part of this head,
proposing numberless inquiries and objections, which I think it not
prudent or convenient to repeat.

Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty
desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the better
able to do, having been formerly almost ruined by a long suit in
chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, “What time was
usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree
of expense? Whether advocates and orators had liberty to plead in
causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether
party, in religion or politics, were observed to be of any weight in
the scale of justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons
educated in the general knowledge of equity, or only in provincial,
national, and other local customs? Whether they or their judges had any
part in penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of
interpreting, and glossing upon at their pleasure? Whether they had
ever, at different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and
cited precedents to prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich
or a poor corporation? Whether they received any pecuniary reward for
pleading, or delivering their opinions? And particularly, whether they
were ever admitted as members in the lower senate?”

He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, “he thought
my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or
six millions a year, and when I came to mention the issues, he found
they sometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had taken
were very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me,
that the knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could
not be deceived in his calculations. But, if what I told him were true,
he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like
a private person.” He asked me, “who were our creditors; and where we
found money to pay them?” He wondered to hear me talk of such
chargeable and expensive wars; “that certainly we must be a quarrelsome
people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must
needs be richer than our kings.” He asked, what business we had out of
our own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to
defend the coasts with our fleet?” Above all, he was amazed to hear me
talk of a mercenary standing army, in the midst of peace, and among a
free people. He said, “if we were governed by our own consent, in the
persons of our representatives, he could not imagine of whom we were
afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my opinion,
whether a private man’s house might not be better defended by himself,
his children, and family, than by half-a-dozen rascals, picked up at a
venture in the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred times
more by cutting their throats?”

He laughed at my “odd kind of arithmetic,” as he was pleased to call
it, “in reckoning the numbers of our people, by a computation drawn
from the several sects among us, in religion and politics.” He said,
“he knew no reason why those, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the
public, should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to
conceal them. And as it was tyranny in any government to require the
first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second: for a man may be
allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not to vend them about for
cordials.”

He observed, “that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry, I
had mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment
was usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time
it employed; whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes;
whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity in that art, might not
arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in
dependence, as well as habituate them to vile companions, wholly take
them from the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses
they received, to learn and practise that infamous dexterity upon
others?”

He was perfectly astonished with the historical account I gave him of
our affairs during the last century; protesting “it was only a heap of
conspiracies, rebellions, murders, massacres, revolutions, banishments,
the very worst effects that avarice, faction, hypocrisy,
perfidiousness, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred, envy, lust, malice, and
ambition, could produce.”

His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate the
sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the
answers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me
gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall never forget,
nor the manner he spoke them in: “My little friend Grildrig, you have
made a most admirable panegyric upon your country; you have clearly
proved, that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients
for qualifying a legislator; that laws are best explained, interpreted,
and applied, by those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting,
confounding, and eluding them. I observe among you some lines of an
institution, which, in its original, might have been tolerable, but
these half erased, and the rest wholly blurred and blotted by
corruptions. It does not appear, from all you have said, how any one
perfection is required toward the procurement of any one station among
you; much less, that men are ennobled on account of their virtue; that
priests are advanced for their piety or learning; soldiers, for their
conduct or valour; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love
of their country; or counsellors for their wisdom. As for yourself,”
continued the king, “who have spent the greatest part of your life in
travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped
many vices of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own
relation, and the answers I have with much pains wrung and extorted
from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most
pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to
crawl upon the surface of the earth.”